Speech Therapy - First Session

This morning was my first proper session at the speech therapist. I've been a few times to have a chat and to see how she can help but today was the first actual session.

I'm quite heartened by the initial assessment. Apparently my voice is quite soft and I'm breathing correctly when I speak. Ever since I sung in bands I have had an interest in voice and I think between this, teaching and presenting, which I have done quite a lot of, has helped with breath control.

It seems as if I am at a good starting point. So we went through exercises to start to raise the pitch to a comfortable and sustainable level and once this is done then I think we will work on resonance.

I had to smile though. Both of us had tickly coughs so we took it easy. The irony of going to speech therapy and both me and the therapist losing our voices did make me smile.

Tears again

I was on tooth fairy duty tonight. My little boy has lost another front tooth. So, as you do, I waited till he fell asleep, nipped into his room, got the tooth (rap it in a tissue, much easier to find) and replaced it with a pound (inflation).

Before that I'd been in my home office/studio playing on the PC and listening to music. So when I got the tooth I went back in, looked around for a safe place to put the tooth, opened a cupboard and found an old packet of photos.

Now when I say old, I mean the late 1960's. All in black and white and a lot of me when I was about 2 or 3. My Mum had had a serious accident at work and was recovering in a sea side convalescence home, so she looked really quite ill, while I looked a bit chubbier than I remember.

The memories came running back, especially when I saw a picture of me with the 2 girls I was friends with at the time. I can still remember wondering why we were treated differently. I can even to this day remember a dream where we were all dressed the same. Since I was no more than 4 at the time I can't imagine it was anything sexual.

Whether it is was seeing my Mum looking so ill or seeing me so young, still to feel the impact of gender dysphoria, I don't know. But the tears just came. I looked at my face, thinking that the only thing I was worrying about was how long I could stay out playing.

I'm happy with the way my life is progressing but sometimes the regret of missing what could have been gets too much.

RIP Peter Christopherson

New Bike

Have just ordered my new bike. After 20 years of using nothing but mountain bikes, I've gone back to a road bike. A Specialized Secteur Sport 2011.

Now, when I did the 50 mile run a few months back I was very pleased with my 4 hrs 45 min time. But I want to do a few more 50 mile runs next year, including the pedal for Scotland run again. I would like to get my time below 4 hrs and using a mountain bike is not going to help. Hence the road bike.

So, as soon as this damn cold starts to shift, it's back to the gym. Maybe I'll even look seriously at my diet this time.

But fear not. Just in case you think I've gone all MAMIL (Middle Aged Men in Lycra), straight after buying the bike Mrs J and I went out to the shops and bought dresses and tops.

Was a fun day.

Remembrance Day Parade

Woke up to find our first snow of the year this morning (if you don't count last winter that ended round about May). The family are still loaded with this horrid cold but at least last night we all slept better. I put an oil burner in each of the bedrooms with some tea-tree and eucalyptus and I think this helped a bit. We've run out of lavender.


Despite being Sunday we were up early though as our son had a remembrance day parade to go to. It was cold, wet with snow still on the ground, as all the local groups met at the local cemetery and then paraded down to the village.

Now I've never been that involved in this kind of thing but with the simple setting and atmosphere it helped to create something quite touching. The weather seemed to go with the lone piper playing a lament.

When I saw my son helping to lay one of the wreaths it was hard to keep a tear away. Thankfully, having the cold meant it just looked as if I was blowing my nose.

I grew up in Glasgow. Anything like this was always bigger and very organised. This wasn't any less well organised and I'd say there were about 100 people there. But somehow it felt quite intimate and for the first time, rather than just going through the motions, it brought it home to me a little of what it means.

The Kids Party

This cold is doing a fine job at making sure I can't sleep. But enough of that...

I've done something I promised myself I'd never, ever do as a DJ. I DJ'd a kids party!

This does somewhat spoil the image of super cool, alternative music DJ. But since no one thinks of me as a super cool, alternative music DJ I don't think much harm has been done.

Mrs J volunteered me for a fund raising night at our sons school. I've got to admit to being nervous. This was quite a step outside of my comfort zone.

Once it got going though I ended up quite enjoying myself. I just DJ'd - no suddenly turning into a children's entertainer. The kids seemed to enjoy themselves and they just had request after request. They didn't stop dancing, even when some of them were starting to fall asleep next to the dance floor.

In the end it was a good night.

Will I volunteer to do it again? No! No! No! Will Mrs J volunteer me to do it again? Without a doubt!

Not the man flu

The joys. I have a cold today and so I'm off. Being off though is more to do with my son, who has a cold a lot worse than me. He was up most of the night because of said cold. So he's off and I'm really tired.

I know when I've got a cold as, on top of everything else, I get really hungry. Now, I'm not going to go mad but I think there may be a day of comfort food ahead. Plus lemon and ginger tea. Love that when I have a cold.

As long as no one accuses me of having man flu I'll be quite happy.

Growing up

There was another little milestone last Saturday that I forgot to mention... boobs.

For a good few months now I have been wearing vests with hidden support. Comfy and I've got to say quite cosy as well. However, on Saturday I thought I'd have another go with a bra.

Now I've never really liked padding bras. I just felt it never suited me. So I have avoided wearing bras. But as I was getting dressed to go out I thought I'd try one of the bras I've had for a few months, for a bit of a change. To my surprise (not to mention Mrs J's delight) I seemed to fit it at last. Nothing bulging and buxom but it was me filling that bra.

So out I proudly went and apart from the odd moment when I saw my reflection, or when an old friend whose trans and becoming fascinated by my burgeoning bosom mentioned them, I promptly forgot all about them.

At the end of the night I think I was as happy forgetting about them (because they'd just become part of me) as I was for having them.

DJing as a woman

I was out Dj'ing last night and what a good night it was. A really good turn out for the club in general and, armed with a new laptop, a relatively stress free gig from the technical side for me.

Outside of the day job I have a few jobs and businesses and over the last few months I been trying to present as a woman in these. The DJ'ing and regular club work being a major area for this.

Now it's still not quite there yet, as there are so many people who have known me for years and I might only see them once or twice a year. So, they are finding out that I am transitioning at quite a slow rate.

But last night felt like a break through. Just about every one referred to me with the correct pronouns. My favourite was when I was at the bar and was asked if I was the DJ. I said yes and that I would be starting at about 10. The women turned to her partner and said, 'See, I told you it was the DJ. She normally wears her hair up'.

It was then that I realised that there were people that I don't really know but who think of me as female. I think I might have reached a wee milestone.

Manchester

We've been away for a few days in Manchester. Now it might not seem the first choice for a break in November but it was handy for family and child minding.

During the weekend we'd renewed our vows in front of family and a few close friends. This was really nice and we did it in a wee church, close to where Mrs J grew up in the Lancashire countryside. It was a great day and a great mix of guests.

After this we headed for Manchester for a few days by ourselves.

Now we've been to Manchester a few times but it's always been for something specific. If truth be told, mostly Club Lash or years ago we even had a stall at a fetish market. However, I've never actually been to the Village. So on this time we decided it was time to do the tourist thing and visit Canal Street.

We got into Manchester at about lunch time, Monday and once we got settled into our hotel we decided to find Canal Street. Now I didn't expect to find a party, after all it was a rainy, November day in Manchester. However, I've got to admit, when we got there it looked a bit on the wrong side of a let down.

Dirty pavements and stinking drains and all more than a bit drab. As I said though Monday, raining and November. None of this helps.

Back at our hotel and never ones to be put off by first impressions, I looked up a few places to visit. We wanted a meal and somewhere good for a relaxed drink.

Now, I know neither of the choices we went for are exactly ground breaking but as newbies to the area we were more than happy.

First of we went to Taurus for something to eat. It was great. Very friendly, good food and very reasonably priced. After Taurus we went for a short walk and stopped for a drink in Churchill's, which was, as they say, a bit of a punt. Now maybe we picked the wrong time but it was everything I don't want from a bar. Not exactly friendly and awaiting a different atmosphere, which would probably come later at night as the alcohol flowed.

We drank up quickly and headed back up the road to Velvet, another venue that I'd read good reports about.

I've got to say I wasn't disappointed. We went to the bar and it is lovely inside. Music at a nice level for talking, really comfy and again very friendly staff. we spent a bit of time in Velvet and then headed back to our own hotel for a final drink and bed.

We liked it so much that on our second night we just went to velvet and had a meal as well as staying for a drink. Well, it was especially wet and horrid outside that night!

Now, I'll admit to being nervous beforehand about the trip to Manchester. It was outside my comfort zone and certainly the first time I'd travelled and been any serious distance away from home, whilst presenting female. As I stepped out from the hotel door, into a very busy street, for a few seconds, it was as if it was one of the first times I'd ever worn women's clothes in public.

It was as if anonymity, rather than allowing me the ability to blend into the background had somehow made me stick out like a sore thumb.

However, 5 seconds of standing, waiting for the green man, made me realise that people were far more interested in getting home or going out for the evening. After that I was back to normal. I was more nervous of going into a restaurant I'd never been to after that.

Now I go through life thinking that everyone thinks I am a man but are just too polite to say anything. However, on this trip, the amount of times I got greeted with the word 'ladies' got me to thinking that I'm doing something right. Even on our last morning, when I was tired and had only pulled a pair of jeans and t-shirt on we still got greeted with 'ladies'.

At the end of this trip I am much more comfortable with myself. It was outside of my usual comfort zone. I dressed the way I normally do during the day and I was still, for the most part, greeted as a woman.

I am not the typical, svelte, slim person who I'd normally associate with that kind of reception but for some reason, whatever it is I'm doing seems to be working.

Most of all we had a great weekend. Renewing our vows was a special thing and a fantastic day. The trip to Manchester was a really nice break too, and we are planning a return trip next year.

Two weeks off

I'm on holiday. Have been for a few days now.

Would love to say that I've had a chance to relax but I've spent the time catching up on web site work that I do for people other than my day job. Might even get paid :-)

I've got to admit to being a little bit jumpy and I've checked work emails more than a few times but I hope to have kicked the habit soon.

Typical though, first few days of a holiday and I catch a cold.

Anyway, tomorrow things start to get busy as Mrs J and myself get ready for a wee trip, during which we'll get our marraige blessed. Probably best since it's been over a decade since we actually got married and forgetting to tell the church is little short of tardy!

Inner Happiness

I had an appointment with the endocrinologist today. The third I think.

I left work a bit early as I knew there’d be parking problems at the hospital and as I drove along I realised that I was going by the area I stayed during my teens.

Normally, this is no big deal. I pass it by quite a bit. It is almost in the centre of Glasgow, so it’s hard to avoid. However, today, on my way to the endocrinologist, I passed a particular section of road and a memory came back from 30 years ago.

It was the first place that I ever wore women’s clothes and stepped outside the house as a woman.

Now I’d be about 14 or 15 years old and although I didn’t post any letters, if there’d been a post box on route then I might have! I can remember stepping out of the door, the air against my legs, walking in a skirt for the first time and the absolute fear that I’d be caught.

But I did it and I’d love to say that it continued on. However, a while after that I came out to my Mum. Her reaction was so bad that I hid everything away. I thought I had coped but I didn’t. I realise now that I was unhappy. I wasn’t me.
Going by in the car today, I could see that scared 14 year old girl, who the world was convinced was a boy. I could feel the fear but I could also feel the freedom that I felt – even if it were for just 15 minutes or so.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, dressed as any 45 year old woman who’d just left her work, I knew that I might not be fooling anyone, however I was happy. I was happy. Not a fantasy kind of happy. I felt a genuine inner happiness. It was something that has been growing for the last few months and at last I can start to understand it.

I’m not going to start talking about an inner calm. I’m not calm. I still feel angry about things. I don’t really suffer fools any more gladly now than I have for the last 20 years. But I do feel an inner happiness. I’m starting to be me. My life is starting to allow that. I chatted to my wife about it tonight and she told me she wouldn’t change things because she loved me and she could see that I was calmer and happier. I haven’t been so angry with the world.

I feel like I am a very lucky woman, and at last I can say that I am lucky and a woman.

Doing too much

I've been working some long hours over the last few months and I'm only starting to realise how much I've been neglecting things while I've been working. Work life balance is more work life in the balance as I've clocked up 60 and 70 hour weeks.

I've deliberately taken this weekend off, or should I say, I've made a conscious effort not to look at work this weekend.

But I've got used to working the hours and getting paid for it, for once.

During counselling I realised that I had spread myself too thinly (I know, me, thin LOL). Basically, I promised too much to too many people. The end result was no one got anything and I just ended up with anxiety attacks and stressed out. During that time I cut back a lot and started to live again and was able to be productive again.

Now, I don't know how but I have found myself in the position of having promised too much again.

Out with your Mum?

When I was finally told that the doctors agreed and that I did have gender dysphoria and then started on hormones, I didn't think for one minute that life would suddenly be fantastic and everything would be great.

I expected life to pretty much go back to normal. I even expected myself to occasionally wonder if I'd done the right thing.

What I didn't expect was to have doubts about being female. Now this isn't me just having second thoughts. I've not even considered coming off of HRT. It was more a case of wondering what's so female about me...

... Now as you read you will see one blog. However there has been nearly a month since I started this post and this new sentence. (17/10/2010)

Quite frankly I forgot I had started this particular post. However, I feel that it's useful to complete it.

I did feel anything but feminine when I started this post. However, over the last few days I have started to notice a few things. For instance, when I'm washing my hands I'll look up and there is something in my reflection that I can only describe as feminine. I can't say what but it is there. I can only put it down to 5 months of hormones that are starting to take effect (remember that I have very low T-levels).

The daftest sign of me looking feminine, was when I was out with my wife and son. Not even trying. A friend of my wife asked if she was out with her Mother (i.e. me).

As insulted as I was (25 years age gap), when we both stopped laughing we realised just what it meant.

So, dear reader, in one post you have the self doubt to the budding realisation of what's possible.

x

Clues that it's not a fetish

Sometimes I wonder if, for me, the whole trans thing is just a big fetish and that I'm kidding myself on. But then there are daft little things that make me realise this is just too every day to be a fetish. For instance, I need new boots. Why? Simple. My old ones have worn out. And I don't mean a broken heal. I mean proper worn out, hole in the sole stuff.

I love those boots. I'll see if they can be re-soled but I doubt it.

Bike ride

Last weekend was the bike ride that I've been training for. Pedal for Scotland. 51 miles from Glasgow to Edinburgh. It was great fun and I'm so glad I did the training. Now, as I've said many times, I am not a light weight. I am very over weight and despite all the training, I haven't lost that much weight. However, I am delighted to say that I did the run in 4 hours 45 minutes, which was right in the middle of my target time; 4 and a half to 5 hours.

I have lost enough weight though to actually now fit into proper cycling gear. However, a crop top was used underneath my cycling shirt for comfort and to avoid a now very noticeable bouncing.

I'll be doing it again next year but a bit differently. Next year I will try to improve my time, I'll ride it on a road bike (about to be ordered) rather than a mountain bike, probably slimmer but needing a proper sports bra by then and lastly, after seeing the official photos, I'll smile more.

I might even be tempted to show people my picture then :-)

Settling Down

I'm now about 4 months on HRT. I've finished counselling and there's now 6 months between my appointments at the Sandyford.

So basically I'm settling into life, which I suppose has to happen. The rush of being prescribed hormones and being taken seriously can't last forever.

What is coming out of this is that I am happier. Mrs J and myself talked about this the other day. I asked what differences she sees in me and she replied that I seemed happier and I didn't get angry anywhere near as much. This reflects how I feel myself.

I think that's one of the reasons I wrote the previous post to this one. I'm getting back to the real me and stripping away the facade that I have presented for over 20 years.

Long day

Have you ever looked at a hole being dug in the road and there is one bloke digging and four watching? Well I've had a day a bit like that today.

Into a server room for 10am (Sunday!). There was a big systems update on servers to be done. Now I do databases and applications so the system level was being done by some other people. For the first 3 hours we all worked at our own things and it was fine. Then came the time to switch all the servers off, allowing one person access. For the next 4 hours I either paced the server room or watch a tiny laptop screen over someone else's shoulder, waiting for the servers to come back, letting me get on with my bit. The wonder of mobile phones, I'll admit that I did a fair bit of reading forums like Angels or catching up on blogs during this wait.

It really was the high tech version of 4 people watching 1 bloke dig.

I got my own back though. Once the servers came back, I spent the next 2 hours working on database and web servers while he waited around with nothing to do.

Anyway, finally finished at 11:30pm, although by that point I had actually come home and logged in remotely to finish the job off.

It's all in the bill - even the standing about.

Dads

"All I wanted was a kick-a-bout in the park,
For you to race me home when it was nearly getting dark."

Glasvegas - Daddy's Gone.

Personally, I think it's a great song and it keeps popping up on my play-lists.

These two lines in particular always get to me. So today, when my son turned up with a football he'd won at school and wanted to go out and play, I was only too happy to.

Now there's no chance of me being like the Dad in the song. I won't be going anywhere. But, because of transitioning, I am always conscious of maybe robbing a bit of my sons possible memories of his Dad. Because of this I promised myself and my wife that I will always be Dad to him. Whether or not it involves doing things that aren't the stereotypical trans thing to do. I'll still be his Dad.

Maybe what makes the lyrics hit home especially hard is that my own Dad left us when I was very young. I remember little bits about him but not much. We certainly never played football.

Years later, I was about 16 and attempting to come out to my Mum. In amongst all the things she threw at me to make sure I got back in the closet (it worked) was the fact that she had once walked in on my Dad and he was dressed in woman's clothes.

So that was something else she could blame my Dad for.

Acne and being transsexual. Thanks Dad.

I've actually managed to lose some weight!

Well after getting myself down about my weight recently, I weighed myself this morning and I have lost about 4lbs. Might not sound much but even though I have been exercising my weight hadn't budged for about a month.

I think it has helped that I have started a slightly different programme at the gym. This one is more geared up for the Glasgow to Edinburgh bike run I'm doing in September. It's about 51 miles and although the distance doesn't worry me too much, I still feel that it's sensible to prepare.

I think I had, to a certain extent, got used to the previous programme. Also, because of holidays etc I had missed a couple of visits recently and I think that all helped to slow down the weight loss.

I've increased the number of gym sessions from 2 to 3 times a week. On top of this, I'm just back from swimming this morning, which helped loosen up my leg muscles after last nights gym session.

Feeling a lot better but still a long way to go. Who knows, I might even publish my weight soon!

Presenting at Work

I'm debating with myself about when, how or if I will start to present as female at work full time.

Right now I very rarely dress in bob mode. DJ'ing the wedding a few weeks ago was the last time I was completely bob mode. Even the gig I did last week I presented as female (completelly different gig,which I might one day talk about).

At my day job I wear female clothing, albeit with very androgynous look. But my hair is long, worn either down or in a pony tail that's kinda doubled up (hard to describe but it kinda looks like a ponytail but brought back up and tied again - words won't work on this one). Also, clear nail varnish and studs in my ears complete the picture.

So, I might not be fully presenting as female at work but I don't look the typical shirt and tie bloke.

My breasts aren't massive but are getting obvious. Now I know that partly because of my weight (good news to follow) and partly because I had gynecomastia, the hormones have had a head start. But for whatever reason, they are showing a lot sooner than I expected.

Despite all of this, I haven't had a single comment about how I dress or look. I think it's a case that most of us have worked together for such a long time, no ones noticed the gradual change.

To a certain extent I am happy with this situation. I'm getting to be me, i.e. behave and dress as I want to. However, this is only one part of the picture. Although I can be appear how I want, the world of work neither knows nor cares about the real me. The world of work still sees me as bob and so still treats me as bob.

So the debate goes on in my head. Everything has gone well so far. Should I be happy with my lot and just keep things as they are (despite the developing boobs), or do I push the boundaries that bit further and come out at work.

There is a large chunk of me that is very happy. Since I started taking hormones a lot of the symptoms of the dysphoria have reduced to very manageable levels. But there is still a voice that I recognise, muttering away in the background. It's the voice that has pushed me out of my comfort zone so many times in my life. It's the voice that has convinced me to take risks and try to achieve things that scare me.

So, for the moment I am happy with the status quo. The voice, however, has quite a track record at getting me to eventually do things I'd only previously dreamt about.

Tiredness returns

The really bad tiredness has returned. I know I had a frantic weekend but I took Monday off and worked from home yesterday. I even went to bed earlier than normal. Yet I'm sitting in the office falling asleep.

It's either the 'mones, which some people have told me can happen, or I'm just too old for frantic weekends :-(

If I'm not careful though, the tiredness allows my guard to slip and I'll eat everything that's bad for me and lots of it. Yes, it's my fault and I could just try harder to resist. But when you're this tired it's hard to argue with anything. Especially yourself.

(Updated just to correct the spelling and add all of the words I missed through half shut eyes.)

Quite a Weekend

I think that was the weekend. I'm not too sure as I'm pretty sure that at some point during a weekend you're supposed to sleep or at the very least have a bit of a rest.

I remember Friday. A bit tired and still happy from the ladies comment from Thursday (see previous post) plus I was also asked if I'd like to try some perfume when I was in Boots on Friday. I still think I look very male but I think there are little bits starting to be noticed or picked up on - don't know.

Anyway, I ended up staying up late Friday night. I occasionally DJ and on Saturday I'd been asked to do my first wedding. Nerves were getting the better of me. Mess a normal party up and people just hate you. Mess a wedding up and not only do they hate you but you'll have ruined their day and they'll remember it for the rest of their lives.

No Pressure there then.

So, it was a late night/early morning finish of 3:30am, as I busied myself preparing play lists and notes to help cope with the nerves. Copious notes of the names, parents, dances, music to include, music to avoid, a full 6 hour play list that I could drop into in case fear stole my ability to select music was all copied onto 2 laptops (I took a spare just in case). I even copied the notes to my iPhone just in case. It was only lack of time that stopped me copying the music to the iPhone as well.

Back up at 7:30am and off swimming with the family. Now this might sound daft but as I've mentioned elsewhere I wasn't expecting boobs to grow much by now and I've kinda been caught

out as I still only have swimming trunks. Need to find something more suitable soon.

First real job of the day. I took the PA over to the venue. I was using 4 active speakers, one of which I set up with a microphone for the speeches. Then off to drop our son of with a friend who he would be staying the night with as Mrs J was coming with me to lend moral support.

Then back to the house for some food, a shower and the rest of the kit. I don't like to leave things like lights and laptops at a venue in case they walk. Speakers are a bit too heavy for the opportunist thief (I haven't decided if this is more theory or calculated risk).

By the time we got back to the venue to start the evening the adrenalin was pumping. Got set up and once the first dances were over I settled into the night. It was a really nice crowd who were up for a party so the dance floor was rarely empty and by the end of the night some were even dancing on the furniture.

I did the gig completely in bob mode. This event wasn't about me. It was about the new married couple and so I didn't want to divert attention away from them with comments about the strange DJ. One thing that did hit home was how blokey it all was. The men at the event were very friendly but to not stand out I felt I had to put on an act that I now realise isn't me and I didn't realise, until Saturday night, how far I have moved on from this act.

Gig over and we broke down the kit double quick and headed back home. Apart from breaking hard to avoid hitting a deer, which at one point was running alongside the car in a panic, we got home quick enough. Unloaded the car straight away as we were to be up early for the next stage of our weekend adventure. As an aside, the kit is about 150Kg and it was hard work unloading it as quickly as possible so we could get to bed.

Anyway, by 2:30am we were fast asleep.

Sunday. 8:30am. Up and out to collect my son. Sunday, we were transporting a cat to Yorkshire. Now we live a bit south of Glasgow but we first had to head to the other side of Glasgow before we even started to collect my son. A 60 mile round trip later and we're almost back where we started, collecting the cat.

Now why we were doing this is a very long and not for here story. However, we actually had a very nice journey down, dropped off the cat in Yorkshire and then headed back across to Lancashire to drop in on the in-laws. Might as well since we were in the area.

Just as well as the car developed a bit of a fault during the journey and my brother in law managed to fix it. It was a guard under the car that had come loose. We think it might have been caused when I had to avoid the deer.

After a rest we headed back up north. Again a good drive and we finally got home about 8:30pm (Mrs J was driving and isn't known for taking it slowly).

Son in bed, settled down and got caught up in a film. We were about to go to bed at about 12:30am when we heard our son get up. Now like all parents, we're used to the odd bit of sick but this was bad enough that we called NHS 24 and they advise that we took him to the local hospital.

Back we went out but by the time we were seen he had been sick a few times and was starting to feel better. Don't get me wrong, it was a good service. It was just the way things happened.

Got back home about 3:00am. I decided that it was too late to make it into work in the morning so I checked a few of the important systems and emailed the office to say what was happening and that everything was up and running.

Finally got to bed at 4:30am. Might have been earlier but I fell asleep typing the email.

So quite a weekend. 1 wedding, 600 miles of traveling, a late night hospital visit and about 10 hours of sleep.

I need another weekend to recover.

... Ladies

Well I finally got a proper 'Can I help you ladies' today. Best of all, it was from a female assistant, in the lingerie department of M&S.

The effects of the hormones are kicking in and there's been a bit more development in the boobs front than I expected by this point. So off Mrs J and myself went to Marks and Spencer's today to check out some of their secrets range to help smooth things out and provide a bit of support.

We couldn't find the right size and were searching away when the assistant came over asking, 'Can I help you ladies'. Now I've had the odd mistake but this time there was no hesitation in her voice just a clear, friendly 'ladies'.

There are lots of blogs and posts about this very thing but it just feels so good to have been accepted like this that I can't help but join in and tell anyone who'll listen (or read) about my wee moment of being really pleased with myself.

Pity that they were sold out of the ones I wanted. Ended up in BHS and got some vest tops with hidden support, and I've got to say they make quite a difference. Really comfy, good support and give a nice shape.

It's been pretty good day.

Want to sleep

I'm tired. Really tired.

I've read that this can be an effect of taking hormones and even though I've only been taking them for 6 weeks I think it might be why.

I had plenty of sleep last night. Even had a long lie. But still woke up tired and have stayed that way all day. It's been that way all week.

Might have a sneaky wee snooze before anyone in the house realises what I'm upto and gets me doing something.

Great afternoon.

Just had a fantastic afternoon mountain biking with my son. Great weather, nice trail. Not too difficult for him, or me for that matter. It's local to us and really nice countryside. We've walked it before but this was the first time on bikes and it was empty. In 7 miles we said hello to one person.

I think the sun cream may have come off though. So I'm hoping that the bright red face I had when we got back will fade after a bit of a relax and isn't sun burn.

I'm supposed to be going to the gym later as well. Right now I just want to relax but then I'll just feel guilty and fat. The guilt might be my imagination. Unfortunately the fat isn't!

Update: It wasn't sun burn and the gym might have been pushing it a bit. I'm sure I'll feel better soon. Although soon might actually mean days rather than minutes.