Speech Therapy - Part Two

Well I have been for a few sessions now and it seems to be going quite well. Today was the fourth session and seemed to go really well.

I think the thing that surprises me most is how sore and tired your voice gets. When you think about it you are getting a set of muscles to do something different. If it happened in the gym you wouldn't think twice about it but when it comes to voice I've been a bit surprised.

I'd read in many places about not damaging the voice. I thought this meant getting hoarse and if you weren't careful developing nodules. However, this is different. It is a genuine tiredness of the muscles.

I've been practicing reading small phrases and when I tried to do more natural phrases my pitch would gradually lower as I paused to think between sentences. The way around this was to extend words like 'and' between the actual sentences. This allows me to keep the pitch so that when I start to speak again the pitch is roughly the same.

My homework for the next week is to try phrases that are natural to me (rather than read out) and I think it is time to try them on people. Of all the things that I've done as my transition continues, this, for me has definitely been the most fun.

PCT Funding

When I was at Sandyford a while back, it was suggested that I could get help with hair removal. Sounded like a good idea so I said ok. A few months went by and I heard nothing. However, I've now heard that the funding has been turned down. Now I don't in any way hold Sandyford responsible for this as it is the PCT that covers where I stay that decides this. Their reason though is that they only fund those who are having surgery.

Not everyone with gender dysphoria needs or wants surgery. It's about helping people to cope. Whether that be counselling, hormones, hair removal, speech therapy or surgery. Within reason, and at appropriate stages, whatever is required should be available for those who need it. I say within reason and appropriate stages because I am still undecided about breast augmentation, especially before any other treatment has been carried out.

I'm luck in that bit by bit I can afford to pay but what about those that can't. Their options seem to be, put up with it and keep on shaving, somehow find the money or (in the extreme) have surgery that they don't want or need.

I'm a big fan of the NHS. I also worked in it for about 7 years. I believe that it should be funded to enable it to give the best possible treatment for those that need it. I also believe that there is a place for private health care for those that can afford it, especially for procedures that are not intrinsically linked to a persons well being.

Gender dysphoria is not something that people choose. It is something you are born with and can be debilitating. Surgery is not always the answer. However, facial hair is an especially strong reminder of maleness and it's not something that will go away with HRT. So why deny hair removal just because someone isn't going to have surgery? Why fund HRT, counselling, speech therapy and then say no to hair removal. I can only think cost.

Surely if someone is taking hormones then they have already made quite a commitment. Shaving is not the cheap option. Not when it is a daily reminder of the maleness you are trying to escape from.

Tears again

I was on tooth fairy duty tonight. My little boy has lost another front tooth. So, as you do, I waited till he fell asleep, nipped into his room, got the tooth (rap it in a tissue, much easier to find) and replaced it with a pound (inflation).

Before that I'd been in my home office/studio playing on the PC and listening to music. So when I got the tooth I went back in, looked around for a safe place to put the tooth, opened a cupboard and found an old packet of photos.

Now when I say old, I mean the late 1960's. All in black and white and a lot of me when I was about 2 or 3. My Mum had had a serious accident at work and was recovering in a sea side convalescence home, so she looked really quite ill, while I looked a bit chubbier than I remember.

The memories came running back, especially when I saw a picture of me with the 2 girls I was friends with at the time. I can still remember wondering why we were treated differently. I can even to this day remember a dream where we were all dressed the same. Since I was no more than 4 at the time I can't imagine it was anything sexual.

Whether it is was seeing my Mum looking so ill or seeing me so young, still to feel the impact of gender dysphoria, I don't know. But the tears just came. I looked at my face, thinking that the only thing I was worrying about was how long I could stay out playing.

I'm happy with the way my life is progressing but sometimes the regret of missing what could have been gets too much.

Settling Down

I'm now about 4 months on HRT. I've finished counselling and there's now 6 months between my appointments at the Sandyford.

So basically I'm settling into life, which I suppose has to happen. The rush of being prescribed hormones and being taken seriously can't last forever.

What is coming out of this is that I am happier. Mrs J and myself talked about this the other day. I asked what differences she sees in me and she replied that I seemed happier and I didn't get angry anywhere near as much. This reflects how I feel myself.

I think that's one of the reasons I wrote the previous post to this one. I'm getting back to the real me and stripping away the facade that I have presented for over 20 years.

Dads

"All I wanted was a kick-a-bout in the park,
For you to race me home when it was nearly getting dark."

Glasvegas - Daddy's Gone.

Personally, I think it's a great song and it keeps popping up on my play-lists.

These two lines in particular always get to me. So today, when my son turned up with a football he'd won at school and wanted to go out and play, I was only too happy to.

Now there's no chance of me being like the Dad in the song. I won't be going anywhere. But, because of transitioning, I am always conscious of maybe robbing a bit of my sons possible memories of his Dad. Because of this I promised myself and my wife that I will always be Dad to him. Whether or not it involves doing things that aren't the stereotypical trans thing to do. I'll still be his Dad.

Maybe what makes the lyrics hit home especially hard is that my own Dad left us when I was very young. I remember little bits about him but not much. We certainly never played football.

Years later, I was about 16 and attempting to come out to my Mum. In amongst all the things she threw at me to make sure I got back in the closet (it worked) was the fact that she had once walked in on my Dad and he was dressed in woman's clothes.

So that was something else she could blame my Dad for.

Acne and being transsexual. Thanks Dad.

Presenting at Work

I'm debating with myself about when, how or if I will start to present as female at work full time.

Right now I very rarely dress in bob mode. DJ'ing the wedding a few weeks ago was the last time I was completely bob mode. Even the gig I did last week I presented as female (completelly different gig,which I might one day talk about).

At my day job I wear female clothing, albeit with very androgynous look. But my hair is long, worn either down or in a pony tail that's kinda doubled up (hard to describe but it kinda looks like a ponytail but brought back up and tied again - words won't work on this one). Also, clear nail varnish and studs in my ears complete the picture.

So, I might not be fully presenting as female at work but I don't look the typical shirt and tie bloke.

My breasts aren't massive but are getting obvious. Now I know that partly because of my weight (good news to follow) and partly because I had gynecomastia, the hormones have had a head start. But for whatever reason, they are showing a lot sooner than I expected.

Despite all of this, I haven't had a single comment about how I dress or look. I think it's a case that most of us have worked together for such a long time, no ones noticed the gradual change.

To a certain extent I am happy with this situation. I'm getting to be me, i.e. behave and dress as I want to. However, this is only one part of the picture. Although I can be appear how I want, the world of work neither knows nor cares about the real me. The world of work still sees me as bob and so still treats me as bob.

So the debate goes on in my head. Everything has gone well so far. Should I be happy with my lot and just keep things as they are (despite the developing boobs), or do I push the boundaries that bit further and come out at work.

There is a large chunk of me that is very happy. Since I started taking hormones a lot of the symptoms of the dysphoria have reduced to very manageable levels. But there is still a voice that I recognise, muttering away in the background. It's the voice that has pushed me out of my comfort zone so many times in my life. It's the voice that has convinced me to take risks and try to achieve things that scare me.

So, for the moment I am happy with the status quo. The voice, however, has quite a track record at getting me to eventually do things I'd only previously dreamt about.

Tiredness returns

The really bad tiredness has returned. I know I had a frantic weekend but I took Monday off and worked from home yesterday. I even went to bed earlier than normal. Yet I'm sitting in the office falling asleep.

It's either the 'mones, which some people have told me can happen, or I'm just too old for frantic weekends :-(

If I'm not careful though, the tiredness allows my guard to slip and I'll eat everything that's bad for me and lots of it. Yes, it's my fault and I could just try harder to resist. But when you're this tired it's hard to argue with anything. Especially yourself.

(Updated just to correct the spelling and add all of the words I missed through half shut eyes.)