Inner Happiness

I had an appointment with the endocrinologist today. The third I think.

I left work a bit early as I knew there’d be parking problems at the hospital and as I drove along I realised that I was going by the area I stayed during my teens.

Normally, this is no big deal. I pass it by quite a bit. It is almost in the centre of Glasgow, so it’s hard to avoid. However, today, on my way to the endocrinologist, I passed a particular section of road and a memory came back from 30 years ago.

It was the first place that I ever wore women’s clothes and stepped outside the house as a woman.

Now I’d be about 14 or 15 years old and although I didn’t post any letters, if there’d been a post box on route then I might have! I can remember stepping out of the door, the air against my legs, walking in a skirt for the first time and the absolute fear that I’d be caught.

But I did it and I’d love to say that it continued on. However, a while after that I came out to my Mum. Her reaction was so bad that I hid everything away. I thought I had coped but I didn’t. I realise now that I was unhappy. I wasn’t me.
Going by in the car today, I could see that scared 14 year old girl, who the world was convinced was a boy. I could feel the fear but I could also feel the freedom that I felt – even if it were for just 15 minutes or so.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, dressed as any 45 year old woman who’d just left her work, I knew that I might not be fooling anyone, however I was happy. I was happy. Not a fantasy kind of happy. I felt a genuine inner happiness. It was something that has been growing for the last few months and at last I can start to understand it.

I’m not going to start talking about an inner calm. I’m not calm. I still feel angry about things. I don’t really suffer fools any more gladly now than I have for the last 20 years. But I do feel an inner happiness. I’m starting to be me. My life is starting to allow that. I chatted to my wife about it tonight and she told me she wouldn’t change things because she loved me and she could see that I was calmer and happier. I haven’t been so angry with the world.

I feel like I am a very lucky woman, and at last I can say that I am lucky and a woman.