It's been a while

It has indeed been a while since I last posted here.

How have things changed? Probably they have become more normal. There was a hiccup when a whole new slab of family appeared but the months have passed and life has returned to... normal.

I've now been on 'mones for 15 or 16 months (there's a bit of me deliberately not counting) and it has changed me. I don't so much think differently but I do process things a bit differently. My face has taken a definite change and my shoulders seem to be becoming smaller, more rounded. A few people have commented but I put a jacket on that was tight but now it fits me really well!

The biggest change is not gender related but I'm once again working with other people on music. I'm loving this. I'm no longer hiding from myself and the more relaxed about me I am the more I can relax and be me.

I think the strange feeling is happiness

It's a been a few weeks since I last posted here. Then I was starting to feel happier again. Now I'd say I am, for the most part, happy.

I recently met up with a very old and dear friend. How such good friends can drift apart for 12 years I have no idea but we did. To be back in touch is fantastic and has contributed enormously to my happiness. On top of that I've had two offers to collaborate on some new music, one of which I've already started working on.

Then out of the blue a family member contacted me the other day to meet up. This is from the side that I haven't met for 40 years. Of all my family on that side, she is the only one I've ever really thought about or missed. So although I am a bit nervous, I am looking forward to meeting her but without the trepidation that I had when I met my brother and nephew.

Then tonight we got another phone call from someone we'd lost touch with. A night has been arranged and we'll see them soon.

Don't think I'll have time to sit and mope for a while.

I've had worse days :-)

Funny how things change.

The last few weeks have seen me less than cheery. Then yesterday happened.

Tuesday morning I had an appointment for speech therapy first thing. Now things are going quite well when it comes to voice and Linda seems to be very pleased with how my voice is coming along. I've got to say that I'm quite pleased with it too. There are certain times when it seems to take off and is very natural. It seems that I can speak in quite a naturally feminine voice but it's a little bit soft. Recently a stronger, clearer voice is coming through but I still don't really control it yet.

I've actually found pitch and resonance very easy to do. Possibly years of singing and playing with daft voices has helped. But a natural intonation that reflects me has been harder to achieve. As always - practice.

At the end of the session I was feeling pretty positive (even got a compliment for how I was dressed) and off I set for work.

Once in the office I started to sift through the mornings emails. There were that many claiming to be urgent that I almost missed a small email saying that my regrading had been successful. It's taken nearly 6 months but at last it is through. Decent jump in salary and a massive light at the end of our financial tunnel.

Anyway, the day just cruised by after that but that wasn't all.

I headed home and as I was parking the car my phone went. It was an agency wondering if I'd be interested in job that had come up. It's the first call I've had in a couple of months and if they'd called on Monday I'd have been more than interested. But for once they were 6 hours too late.

It's a while since I've actually said thanks but no thanks to an agency but it felt good.

My line manager thought I was slightly mad when I told him about the agency. However, in the current economic climate it's good to still be in work. Getting a wage rise makes it a really good day.

On top of all that, today I heard that my wife has been nominated for an award at her work. She works really hard and deserves the recognition. Last time she did that we ended up with an all expenses paid trip to The Belfry.

After all the nonsense that's happened and how depressed I've felt over the last few weeks, it feels as if things have taken a little turning.

I don't mind the odd step back. As long as there have been two or three forwards first!

Reiki revisited

I feel that I have been somewhat negative in my last few posts. I'm definitely more anxious and depressed than I have been for a very long time. I have a head ache that no pills will shift and stomach ache that's almost doubling me up. I think I'm letting things get to me way too much.

So the oil burner is fired up, chill-out/meditation/reiki music is on and I'm trying a bit of self healing. Not too easy when my young son keeps running in and out of the room. Can't wait till bed time and a bit of peace.

Whatever you might think, it does seem to be helping relax me and my stomach is beginning to ease up.

I first did reiki about two years ago when I was really at one of the lowest points due to depression. Anxiety attacks almost left me unable to get out the house some days. Serious thoughts of ending it all where never far.

A friend, whose a therapist convinced me to try reiki. I found it quite relaxing to start with but it was only after about 3 or 4 sessions that I actually realised what it was really about. In that session I finally let go and felt a flood of energy running through me.

A few more sessions helped me to relax and start to get a focus on life once more. One of the really surprising things was when I saw a woman's face looking at me. She looked familiar and I realised it was me. This helped me realise that one of my problems was that I was hiding a massive part of myself, from myself.

Shortly after that I attended a reiki 1 workshop and this helped me even more as I learned self healing through it.

Recently, I've let things build up again and forgotten about reiki and self healing. Things aren't anywhere near as bad as they were two years ago but I think it's time to revisit reiki and hopefully help get a grip on things again and stop feeling so bad.

Attitudes

Now I'm used to bumbling through life and occasionally someone confirming I'm doing the right thing by getting an 'excuse me ladies' or (my favourite) 'after you ladies', when I'm with my wife.

However, yesterday I experienced something a bit different. Nice but different. As I said in the previous post, I went to see the endocrinologist yesterday.

Things have changed for me since I first visited the clinic , about 9 months ago - this was my 5th visit. I noticed the changed from the second I was greeted at the reception. This wasn't familiarity, I don't think I've been there enough. especially over the time span. Anyway, at my age I can tell familiarity. This wasn't it.

It was subtle but there was a definite change to the way I was treated. I don't think I was treated quite as a woman, maybe as a transsexual, but definitely not as a man. What ever was meant, it was genuine and nice.

I have changed. I look physically different. Even though it's only been 9 months of HRT, I look different. I dress differently and I think I am starting to act differently.

I still feel as if I am at the start of my transition and I am still genuinely surprised when someone treats me as a woman. I think this is what makes those days when I get greeted as 'mate' all the worse.

Hormone Update

I saw the endo yesterday. As I suspected the oestrogen dose was doubled. I took the extra as soon as I got home and this morning I feel a little bit better.

There were a few worries. Apparently my blood pressure has taken a bit of a spike. But that could have been the rubbish week I've had. The doctor isn't too worried as it is so different to my normal levels. He's asked for it to be monitored though.

Getting there.

Wrong life, hormone balance

You know the last few days have been really bad. I feel myself slipping back into depression. Mind you, it's possibly a good thing that I'm recognising it.



I'm off work, skint, loads to do and no energy to do it. I'm just about keeping to a diet but don't seem to be losing any weight - certainly not on target that's for sure.



I think there are a few things that have contributed to this malaise. Firstly, I think I've taken on too much again. It came out during counselling and I'm mentioned it elsewhere before. I seem to clear a bit of space in my life and then go promising people things. If I'm lucky I can get through it. If I feel the way that I do just now then the workload just makes me feel a whole lot worse.



I think a big contributory factor to the way I'm feeling are the 'mones. Or (as I suspect) the lack of them. When I changed from patches to pills about 6 weeks ago, for safety reasons, the Doctor gave me quite a small dosage to start with. I suspect that from where I had got to with patches that the pills should be of a higher dosage.



I've found myself snapping at people and it's even been noticed at work that I'm getting a bit ratty, way to easily.



My ability to cope with life just isn't the same as it was 2 months ago. The way I feel just now is very similar to the way I felt a year ago, before the HRT started. I look in the mirror and I see nothing feminine about myself. Not quite a docker in a dress, but getting there!

Thankfully, I see the endo tomorrow and hopefully he can help sort out the right dose.



I know that HRT isn't a cure all. It won't take away all the work, or suddenly make me look anymore femine (that takes a wee while). But it is amazing the effect that having the write balance of hormones can do for you. For me it takes away one of the biggest issues I have in life. Once this is done the rest are a lot easier to handle.

My Bike's the Wrong Shape

Weather and time have plotted against me and any chance of taking my new bike out for a proper run since I got it. This might be a problem.

In approximately 6 weeks time I'm going to take part in a 30 mile bike run. Today, I finally got a chance to ride my gleaming new bike. It is a beautiful bike. Certainly the most expensive one I've ever bought and described in cycling weekly as the best entry level sportive bike you can buy.

The problem though is me. I've ridden mountain bikes exclusively for nearly 15 years. Drop handle bars are an alien concept to me now, and as for changing gears with the break levers! I got down during a downhill and felt as though I was hanging off the front of the bike. I remember when this was fun. Now it felt more like acrobatics!

It's going to take a few more rides before I'm completely comfortable with the bike but it will be worth it. Once I settled on it (and got out of the head wind) it flew. It needs a few little things tweaked but these are very minor.

The tweaking I need is way more than minor! The main thing this ride proved was how unfit I am still. Back to the gym tonight and on to the bike again as soon as possible.

"Brickin' It"

Brickin' It! I think that's the best way to describe how I am feeling.

Well it only half describes it. Later today I will meet my brother and nephew for the first time in 40 years!

If truth be told I'm not as nervous as I was expecting. However, I can already feel the corporate mask taking over. A tool I have used many times in my career to cope with situations I wasn't comfortable with.

Thing is I don't know what to do.

I'm taking the easy way out. They expect to meet a male. So they will. I'll take it step by step from there. I know I won't mention anything about the trans stuff. I think I need to see what the ground is like first.

My first worry is that we can recognise each other. 40 years is a long time :-)

Speech Therapy - Part Two

Well I have been for a few sessions now and it seems to be going quite well. Today was the fourth session and seemed to go really well.

I think the thing that surprises me most is how sore and tired your voice gets. When you think about it you are getting a set of muscles to do something different. If it happened in the gym you wouldn't think twice about it but when it comes to voice I've been a bit surprised.

I'd read in many places about not damaging the voice. I thought this meant getting hoarse and if you weren't careful developing nodules. However, this is different. It is a genuine tiredness of the muscles.

I've been practicing reading small phrases and when I tried to do more natural phrases my pitch would gradually lower as I paused to think between sentences. The way around this was to extend words like 'and' between the actual sentences. This allows me to keep the pitch so that when I start to speak again the pitch is roughly the same.

My homework for the next week is to try phrases that are natural to me (rather than read out) and I think it is time to try them on people. Of all the things that I've done as my transition continues, this, for me has definitely been the most fun.

From Patches to Pills

I've had to change from HRT patches to pills. I'd become intolerant to the adhesive on the patches. It's just been over the last month but I think it has affected the oestrogen levels getting into my system. Yesterday I started taking tablets and today I think there is a definite dip.

Apart from being really, really tired, I want to kill at least half the office. The thin layer of tolerance I have for some of them in here has worn woefully threadbare today

It is truly amazing what HRT can do for you. But sometimes it's only when there is a bit of a problem with the levels do you realise just how much it does help.

Here's to a good nights sleep and a better day tomorrow.

PCT Funding

When I was at Sandyford a while back, it was suggested that I could get help with hair removal. Sounded like a good idea so I said ok. A few months went by and I heard nothing. However, I've now heard that the funding has been turned down. Now I don't in any way hold Sandyford responsible for this as it is the PCT that covers where I stay that decides this. Their reason though is that they only fund those who are having surgery.

Not everyone with gender dysphoria needs or wants surgery. It's about helping people to cope. Whether that be counselling, hormones, hair removal, speech therapy or surgery. Within reason, and at appropriate stages, whatever is required should be available for those who need it. I say within reason and appropriate stages because I am still undecided about breast augmentation, especially before any other treatment has been carried out.

I'm luck in that bit by bit I can afford to pay but what about those that can't. Their options seem to be, put up with it and keep on shaving, somehow find the money or (in the extreme) have surgery that they don't want or need.

I'm a big fan of the NHS. I also worked in it for about 7 years. I believe that it should be funded to enable it to give the best possible treatment for those that need it. I also believe that there is a place for private health care for those that can afford it, especially for procedures that are not intrinsically linked to a persons well being.

Gender dysphoria is not something that people choose. It is something you are born with and can be debilitating. Surgery is not always the answer. However, facial hair is an especially strong reminder of maleness and it's not something that will go away with HRT. So why deny hair removal just because someone isn't going to have surgery? Why fund HRT, counselling, speech therapy and then say no to hair removal. I can only think cost.

Surely if someone is taking hormones then they have already made quite a commitment. Shaving is not the cheap option. Not when it is a daily reminder of the maleness you are trying to escape from.

Play barns

I'm stuck in a play barn watching the minutes drag oh so slowly by. My little boy loves them and normally I like to watch him playing, safe in the knowledge that he'll exhaust himself enough to go to sleep at night. But there's something about this one today. Too many adults in the play area, not enough staff supervising and grating screeches from parents who have obviously decided that no known language or accent is good enough when it comes to calling there offspring to chips.

Normally we'd be out on bikes but the tickly cough is now a chest infection and I just don't have the energy. So after this - lunch. Maybe a junk food special at burger king. I know one that's got another play area. Then off to the park.

Oh yes! He'll sleep tonight.

I don't do New Year resolutions. Honest!

I'm not a great believer in New Year resolutions. Just asking for failure.

A work colleague summed it up for me when last year he was complaining about how he couldn't get into the gym because it was crowded with New Year resolutions. A few weeks later and enough had quit that he could get back in with out any problem.

Personally I knew I would start attending the gym last year but I actually waited till the end of January before I started. Perversely, this was my way of making sure it wasn't a New Year's resolution.

Guess what, it worked. Apart from the odd bout of the cold, I'm still going. I've lost virtually no weight but I am a damn site healthier. The pinnacle for me being the Glasgow to Edinburgh bike run. This year I had decided to do a few more bike runs later in the year but my brother in law has already found one in late March. So even if I wanted to take an extended holiday from the gym after the festive period, I no longer have the option. To be honest I quite like it this way. I'm working towards a target again.

Weight is the big challenge. It wasn't always but over the years I've become lazy in what I eat. On top of that oestrogen isn't known as a slimming aid and my body seems to be lapping it up. My T levels are now at the top of the range found in cis woman and that's without any anti-androgens. Another plus point to my mixed up endocrine system but a whole load of negative points in my resolve to lose weight.

Ultimately it's up to me. So despite my loathing of New Year resolutions, I think I might have to break my own rule and hopefully prove myself wrong.