The joys. I have a cold today and so I'm off. Being off though is more to do with my son, who has a cold a lot worse than me. He was up most of the night because of said cold. So he's off and I'm really tired.
I know when I've got a cold as, on top of everything else, I get really hungry. Now, I'm not going to go mad but I think there may be a day of comfort food ahead. Plus lemon and ginger tea. Love that when I have a cold.
As long as no one accuses me of having man flu I'll be quite happy.
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Monday, 8 November 2010
Growing up
There was another little milestone last Saturday that I forgot to mention... boobs.
For a good few months now I have been wearing vests with hidden support. Comfy and I've got to say quite cosy as well. However, on Saturday I thought I'd have another go with a bra.
Now I've never really liked padding bras. I just felt it never suited me. So I have avoided wearing bras. But as I was getting dressed to go out I thought I'd try one of the bras I've had for a few months, for a bit of a change. To my surprise (not to mention Mrs J's delight) I seemed to fit it at last. Nothing bulging and buxom but it was me filling that bra.
So out I proudly went and apart from the odd moment when I saw my reflection, or when an old friend whose trans and becoming fascinated by my burgeoning bosom mentioned them, I promptly forgot all about them.
At the end of the night I think I was as happy forgetting about them (because they'd just become part of me) as I was for having them.
For a good few months now I have been wearing vests with hidden support. Comfy and I've got to say quite cosy as well. However, on Saturday I thought I'd have another go with a bra.
Now I've never really liked padding bras. I just felt it never suited me. So I have avoided wearing bras. But as I was getting dressed to go out I thought I'd try one of the bras I've had for a few months, for a bit of a change. To my surprise (not to mention Mrs J's delight) I seemed to fit it at last. Nothing bulging and buxom but it was me filling that bra.
So out I proudly went and apart from the odd moment when I saw my reflection, or when an old friend whose trans and becoming fascinated by my burgeoning bosom mentioned them, I promptly forgot all about them.
At the end of the night I think I was as happy forgetting about them (because they'd just become part of me) as I was for having them.
Sunday, 7 November 2010
DJing as a woman
I was out Dj'ing last night and what a good night it was. A really good turn out for the club in general and, armed with a new laptop, a relatively stress free gig from the technical side for me.
Outside of the day job I have a few jobs and businesses and over the last few months I been trying to present as a woman in these. The DJ'ing and regular club work being a major area for this.
Now it's still not quite there yet, as there are so many people who have known me for years and I might only see them once or twice a year. So, they are finding out that I am transitioning at quite a slow rate.
But last night felt like a break through. Just about every one referred to me with the correct pronouns. My favourite was when I was at the bar and was asked if I was the DJ. I said yes and that I would be starting at about 10. The women turned to her partner and said, 'See, I told you it was the DJ. She normally wears her hair up'.
It was then that I realised that there were people that I don't really know but who think of me as female. I think I might have reached a wee milestone.
Outside of the day job I have a few jobs and businesses and over the last few months I been trying to present as a woman in these. The DJ'ing and regular club work being a major area for this.
Now it's still not quite there yet, as there are so many people who have known me for years and I might only see them once or twice a year. So, they are finding out that I am transitioning at quite a slow rate.
But last night felt like a break through. Just about every one referred to me with the correct pronouns. My favourite was when I was at the bar and was asked if I was the DJ. I said yes and that I would be starting at about 10. The women turned to her partner and said, 'See, I told you it was the DJ. She normally wears her hair up'.
It was then that I realised that there were people that I don't really know but who think of me as female. I think I might have reached a wee milestone.
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Manchester
We've been away for a few days in Manchester. Now it might not seem the first choice for a break in November but it was handy for family and child minding.
During the weekend we'd renewed our vows in front of family and a few close friends. This was really nice and we did it in a wee church, close to where Mrs J grew up in the Lancashire countryside. It was a great day and a great mix of guests.
After this we headed for Manchester for a few days by ourselves.
Now we've been to Manchester a few times but it's always been for something specific. If truth be told, mostly Club Lash or years ago we even had a stall at a fetish market. However, I've never actually been to the Village. So on this time we decided it was time to do the tourist thing and visit Canal Street.
We got into Manchester at about lunch time, Monday and once we got settled into our hotel we decided to find Canal Street. Now I didn't expect to find a party, after all it was a rainy, November day in Manchester. However, I've got to admit, when we got there it looked a bit on the wrong side of a let down.
Dirty pavements and stinking drains and all more than a bit drab. As I said though Monday, raining and November. None of this helps.
Back at our hotel and never ones to be put off by first impressions, I looked up a few places to visit. We wanted a meal and somewhere good for a relaxed drink.
Now, I know neither of the choices we went for are exactly ground breaking but as newbies to the area we were more than happy.
First of we went to Taurus for something to eat. It was great. Very friendly, good food and very reasonably priced. After Taurus we went for a short walk and stopped for a drink in Churchill's, which was, as they say, a bit of a punt. Now maybe we picked the wrong time but it was everything I don't want from a bar. Not exactly friendly and awaiting a different atmosphere, which would probably come later at night as the alcohol flowed.
We drank up quickly and headed back up the road to Velvet, another venue that I'd read good reports about.
I've got to say I wasn't disappointed. We went to the bar and it is lovely inside. Music at a nice level for talking, really comfy and again very friendly staff. we spent a bit of time in Velvet and then headed back to our own hotel for a final drink and bed.
We liked it so much that on our second night we just went to velvet and had a meal as well as staying for a drink. Well, it was especially wet and horrid outside that night!
Now, I'll admit to being nervous beforehand about the trip to Manchester. It was outside my comfort zone and certainly the first time I'd travelled and been any serious distance away from home, whilst presenting female. As I stepped out from the hotel door, into a very busy street, for a few seconds, it was as if it was one of the first times I'd ever worn women's clothes in public.
It was as if anonymity, rather than allowing me the ability to blend into the background had somehow made me stick out like a sore thumb.
However, 5 seconds of standing, waiting for the green man, made me realise that people were far more interested in getting home or going out for the evening. After that I was back to normal. I was more nervous of going into a restaurant I'd never been to after that.
Now I go through life thinking that everyone thinks I am a man but are just too polite to say anything. However, on this trip, the amount of times I got greeted with the word 'ladies' got me to thinking that I'm doing something right. Even on our last morning, when I was tired and had only pulled a pair of jeans and t-shirt on we still got greeted with 'ladies'.
At the end of this trip I am much more comfortable with myself. It was outside of my usual comfort zone. I dressed the way I normally do during the day and I was still, for the most part, greeted as a woman.
I am not the typical, svelte, slim person who I'd normally associate with that kind of reception but for some reason, whatever it is I'm doing seems to be working.
Most of all we had a great weekend. Renewing our vows was a special thing and a fantastic day. The trip to Manchester was a really nice break too, and we are planning a return trip next year.
During the weekend we'd renewed our vows in front of family and a few close friends. This was really nice and we did it in a wee church, close to where Mrs J grew up in the Lancashire countryside. It was a great day and a great mix of guests.
After this we headed for Manchester for a few days by ourselves.
Now we've been to Manchester a few times but it's always been for something specific. If truth be told, mostly Club Lash or years ago we even had a stall at a fetish market. However, I've never actually been to the Village. So on this time we decided it was time to do the tourist thing and visit Canal Street.
We got into Manchester at about lunch time, Monday and once we got settled into our hotel we decided to find Canal Street. Now I didn't expect to find a party, after all it was a rainy, November day in Manchester. However, I've got to admit, when we got there it looked a bit on the wrong side of a let down.
Dirty pavements and stinking drains and all more than a bit drab. As I said though Monday, raining and November. None of this helps.
Back at our hotel and never ones to be put off by first impressions, I looked up a few places to visit. We wanted a meal and somewhere good for a relaxed drink.
Now, I know neither of the choices we went for are exactly ground breaking but as newbies to the area we were more than happy.
First of we went to Taurus for something to eat. It was great. Very friendly, good food and very reasonably priced. After Taurus we went for a short walk and stopped for a drink in Churchill's, which was, as they say, a bit of a punt. Now maybe we picked the wrong time but it was everything I don't want from a bar. Not exactly friendly and awaiting a different atmosphere, which would probably come later at night as the alcohol flowed.
We drank up quickly and headed back up the road to Velvet, another venue that I'd read good reports about.
I've got to say I wasn't disappointed. We went to the bar and it is lovely inside. Music at a nice level for talking, really comfy and again very friendly staff. we spent a bit of time in Velvet and then headed back to our own hotel for a final drink and bed.
We liked it so much that on our second night we just went to velvet and had a meal as well as staying for a drink. Well, it was especially wet and horrid outside that night!
Now, I'll admit to being nervous beforehand about the trip to Manchester. It was outside my comfort zone and certainly the first time I'd travelled and been any serious distance away from home, whilst presenting female. As I stepped out from the hotel door, into a very busy street, for a few seconds, it was as if it was one of the first times I'd ever worn women's clothes in public.
It was as if anonymity, rather than allowing me the ability to blend into the background had somehow made me stick out like a sore thumb.
However, 5 seconds of standing, waiting for the green man, made me realise that people were far more interested in getting home or going out for the evening. After that I was back to normal. I was more nervous of going into a restaurant I'd never been to after that.
Now I go through life thinking that everyone thinks I am a man but are just too polite to say anything. However, on this trip, the amount of times I got greeted with the word 'ladies' got me to thinking that I'm doing something right. Even on our last morning, when I was tired and had only pulled a pair of jeans and t-shirt on we still got greeted with 'ladies'.
At the end of this trip I am much more comfortable with myself. It was outside of my usual comfort zone. I dressed the way I normally do during the day and I was still, for the most part, greeted as a woman.
I am not the typical, svelte, slim person who I'd normally associate with that kind of reception but for some reason, whatever it is I'm doing seems to be working.
Most of all we had a great weekend. Renewing our vows was a special thing and a fantastic day. The trip to Manchester was a really nice break too, and we are planning a return trip next year.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Two weeks off
I'm on holiday. Have been for a few days now.
Would love to say that I've had a chance to relax but I've spent the time catching up on web site work that I do for people other than my day job. Might even get paid :-)
I've got to admit to being a little bit jumpy and I've checked work emails more than a few times but I hope to have kicked the habit soon.
Typical though, first few days of a holiday and I catch a cold.
Anyway, tomorrow things start to get busy as Mrs J and myself get ready for a wee trip, during which we'll get our marraige blessed. Probably best since it's been over a decade since we actually got married and forgetting to tell the church is little short of tardy!
Would love to say that I've had a chance to relax but I've spent the time catching up on web site work that I do for people other than my day job. Might even get paid :-)
I've got to admit to being a little bit jumpy and I've checked work emails more than a few times but I hope to have kicked the habit soon.
Typical though, first few days of a holiday and I catch a cold.
Anyway, tomorrow things start to get busy as Mrs J and myself get ready for a wee trip, during which we'll get our marraige blessed. Probably best since it's been over a decade since we actually got married and forgetting to tell the church is little short of tardy!
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Inner Happiness
I had an appointment with the endocrinologist today. The third I think.
I left work a bit early as I knew there’d be parking problems at the hospital and as I drove along I realised that I was going by the area I stayed during my teens.
Normally, this is no big deal. I pass it by quite a bit. It is almost in the centre of Glasgow, so it’s hard to avoid. However, today, on my way to the endocrinologist, I passed a particular section of road and a memory came back from 30 years ago.
It was the first place that I ever wore women’s clothes and stepped outside the house as a woman.
Now I’d be about 14 or 15 years old and although I didn’t post any letters, if there’d been a post box on route then I might have! I can remember stepping out of the door, the air against my legs, walking in a skirt for the first time and the absolute fear that I’d be caught.
But I did it and I’d love to say that it continued on. However, a while after that I came out to my Mum. Her reaction was so bad that I hid everything away. I thought I had coped but I didn’t. I realise now that I was unhappy. I wasn’t me.
Going by in the car today, I could see that scared 14 year old girl, who the world was convinced was a boy. I could feel the fear but I could also feel the freedom that I felt – even if it were for just 15 minutes or so.
Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, dressed as any 45 year old woman who’d just left her work, I knew that I might not be fooling anyone, however I was happy. I was happy. Not a fantasy kind of happy. I felt a genuine inner happiness. It was something that has been growing for the last few months and at last I can start to understand it.
I’m not going to start talking about an inner calm. I’m not calm. I still feel angry about things. I don’t really suffer fools any more gladly now than I have for the last 20 years. But I do feel an inner happiness. I’m starting to be me. My life is starting to allow that. I chatted to my wife about it tonight and she told me she wouldn’t change things because she loved me and she could see that I was calmer and happier. I haven’t been so angry with the world.
I feel like I am a very lucky woman, and at last I can say that I am lucky and a woman.
I left work a bit early as I knew there’d be parking problems at the hospital and as I drove along I realised that I was going by the area I stayed during my teens.
Normally, this is no big deal. I pass it by quite a bit. It is almost in the centre of Glasgow, so it’s hard to avoid. However, today, on my way to the endocrinologist, I passed a particular section of road and a memory came back from 30 years ago.
It was the first place that I ever wore women’s clothes and stepped outside the house as a woman.
Now I’d be about 14 or 15 years old and although I didn’t post any letters, if there’d been a post box on route then I might have! I can remember stepping out of the door, the air against my legs, walking in a skirt for the first time and the absolute fear that I’d be caught.
But I did it and I’d love to say that it continued on. However, a while after that I came out to my Mum. Her reaction was so bad that I hid everything away. I thought I had coped but I didn’t. I realise now that I was unhappy. I wasn’t me.
Going by in the car today, I could see that scared 14 year old girl, who the world was convinced was a boy. I could feel the fear but I could also feel the freedom that I felt – even if it were for just 15 minutes or so.
Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, dressed as any 45 year old woman who’d just left her work, I knew that I might not be fooling anyone, however I was happy. I was happy. Not a fantasy kind of happy. I felt a genuine inner happiness. It was something that has been growing for the last few months and at last I can start to understand it.
I’m not going to start talking about an inner calm. I’m not calm. I still feel angry about things. I don’t really suffer fools any more gladly now than I have for the last 20 years. But I do feel an inner happiness. I’m starting to be me. My life is starting to allow that. I chatted to my wife about it tonight and she told me she wouldn’t change things because she loved me and she could see that I was calmer and happier. I haven’t been so angry with the world.
I feel like I am a very lucky woman, and at last I can say that I am lucky and a woman.
Sunday, 17 October 2010
Doing too much
I've been working some long hours over the last few months and I'm only starting to realise how much I've been neglecting things while I've been working. Work life balance is more work life in the balance as I've clocked up 60 and 70 hour weeks.
I've deliberately taken this weekend off, or should I say, I've made a conscious effort not to look at work this weekend.
But I've got used to working the hours and getting paid for it, for once.
During counselling I realised that I had spread myself too thinly (I know, me, thin LOL). Basically, I promised too much to too many people. The end result was no one got anything and I just ended up with anxiety attacks and stressed out. During that time I cut back a lot and started to live again and was able to be productive again.
Now, I don't know how but I have found myself in the position of having promised too much again.
I've deliberately taken this weekend off, or should I say, I've made a conscious effort not to look at work this weekend.
But I've got used to working the hours and getting paid for it, for once.
During counselling I realised that I had spread myself too thinly (I know, me, thin LOL). Basically, I promised too much to too many people. The end result was no one got anything and I just ended up with anxiety attacks and stressed out. During that time I cut back a lot and started to live again and was able to be productive again.
Now, I don't know how but I have found myself in the position of having promised too much again.
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