Brickin' It! I think that's the best way to describe how I am feeling.
Well it only half describes it. Later today I will meet my brother and nephew for the first time in 40 years!
If truth be told I'm not as nervous as I was expecting. However, I can already feel the corporate mask taking over. A tool I have used many times in my career to cope with situations I wasn't comfortable with.
Thing is I don't know what to do.
I'm taking the easy way out. They expect to meet a male. So they will. I'll take it step by step from there. I know I won't mention anything about the trans stuff. I think I need to see what the ground is like first.
My first worry is that we can recognise each other. 40 years is a long time :-)
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Speech Therapy - Part Two
Well I have been for a few sessions now and it seems to be going quite well. Today was the fourth session and seemed to go really well.
I think the thing that surprises me most is how sore and tired your voice gets. When you think about it you are getting a set of muscles to do something different. If it happened in the gym you wouldn't think twice about it but when it comes to voice I've been a bit surprised.
I'd read in many places about not damaging the voice. I thought this meant getting hoarse and if you weren't careful developing nodules. However, this is different. It is a genuine tiredness of the muscles.
I've been practicing reading small phrases and when I tried to do more natural phrases my pitch would gradually lower as I paused to think between sentences. The way around this was to extend words like 'and' between the actual sentences. This allows me to keep the pitch so that when I start to speak again the pitch is roughly the same.
My homework for the next week is to try phrases that are natural to me (rather than read out) and I think it is time to try them on people. Of all the things that I've done as my transition continues, this, for me has definitely been the most fun.
I think the thing that surprises me most is how sore and tired your voice gets. When you think about it you are getting a set of muscles to do something different. If it happened in the gym you wouldn't think twice about it but when it comes to voice I've been a bit surprised.
I'd read in many places about not damaging the voice. I thought this meant getting hoarse and if you weren't careful developing nodules. However, this is different. It is a genuine tiredness of the muscles.
I've been practicing reading small phrases and when I tried to do more natural phrases my pitch would gradually lower as I paused to think between sentences. The way around this was to extend words like 'and' between the actual sentences. This allows me to keep the pitch so that when I start to speak again the pitch is roughly the same.
My homework for the next week is to try phrases that are natural to me (rather than read out) and I think it is time to try them on people. Of all the things that I've done as my transition continues, this, for me has definitely been the most fun.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
From Patches to Pills
I've had to change from HRT patches to pills. I'd become intolerant to the adhesive on the patches. It's just been over the last month but I think it has affected the oestrogen levels getting into my system. Yesterday I started taking tablets and today I think there is a definite dip.
Apart from being really, really tired, I want to kill at least half the office. The thin layer of tolerance I have for some of them in here has worn woefully threadbare today
It is truly amazing what HRT can do for you. But sometimes it's only when there is a bit of a problem with the levels do you realise just how much it does help.
Here's to a good nights sleep and a better day tomorrow.
Apart from being really, really tired, I want to kill at least half the office. The thin layer of tolerance I have for some of them in here has worn woefully threadbare today
It is truly amazing what HRT can do for you. But sometimes it's only when there is a bit of a problem with the levels do you realise just how much it does help.
Here's to a good nights sleep and a better day tomorrow.
Monday, 10 January 2011
PCT Funding
When I was at Sandyford a while back, it was suggested that I could get help with hair removal. Sounded like a good idea so I said ok. A few months went by and I heard nothing. However, I've now heard that the funding has been turned down. Now I don't in any way hold Sandyford responsible for this as it is the PCT that covers where I stay that decides this. Their reason though is that they only fund those who are having surgery.
Not everyone with gender dysphoria needs or wants surgery. It's about helping people to cope. Whether that be counselling, hormones, hair removal, speech therapy or surgery. Within reason, and at appropriate stages, whatever is required should be available for those who need it. I say within reason and appropriate stages because I am still undecided about breast augmentation, especially before any other treatment has been carried out.
I'm luck in that bit by bit I can afford to pay but what about those that can't. Their options seem to be, put up with it and keep on shaving, somehow find the money or (in the extreme) have surgery that they don't want or need.
I'm a big fan of the NHS. I also worked in it for about 7 years. I believe that it should be funded to enable it to give the best possible treatment for those that need it. I also believe that there is a place for private health care for those that can afford it, especially for procedures that are not intrinsically linked to a persons well being.
Gender dysphoria is not something that people choose. It is something you are born with and can be debilitating. Surgery is not always the answer. However, facial hair is an especially strong reminder of maleness and it's not something that will go away with HRT. So why deny hair removal just because someone isn't going to have surgery? Why fund HRT, counselling, speech therapy and then say no to hair removal. I can only think cost.
Surely if someone is taking hormones then they have already made quite a commitment. Shaving is not the cheap option. Not when it is a daily reminder of the maleness you are trying to escape from.
Not everyone with gender dysphoria needs or wants surgery. It's about helping people to cope. Whether that be counselling, hormones, hair removal, speech therapy or surgery. Within reason, and at appropriate stages, whatever is required should be available for those who need it. I say within reason and appropriate stages because I am still undecided about breast augmentation, especially before any other treatment has been carried out.
I'm luck in that bit by bit I can afford to pay but what about those that can't. Their options seem to be, put up with it and keep on shaving, somehow find the money or (in the extreme) have surgery that they don't want or need.
I'm a big fan of the NHS. I also worked in it for about 7 years. I believe that it should be funded to enable it to give the best possible treatment for those that need it. I also believe that there is a place for private health care for those that can afford it, especially for procedures that are not intrinsically linked to a persons well being.
Gender dysphoria is not something that people choose. It is something you are born with and can be debilitating. Surgery is not always the answer. However, facial hair is an especially strong reminder of maleness and it's not something that will go away with HRT. So why deny hair removal just because someone isn't going to have surgery? Why fund HRT, counselling, speech therapy and then say no to hair removal. I can only think cost.
Surely if someone is taking hormones then they have already made quite a commitment. Shaving is not the cheap option. Not when it is a daily reminder of the maleness you are trying to escape from.
Monday, 3 January 2011
Play barns
I'm stuck in a play barn watching the minutes drag oh so slowly by. My little boy loves them and normally I like to watch him playing, safe in the knowledge that he'll exhaust himself enough to go to sleep at night. But there's something about this one today. Too many adults in the play area, not enough staff supervising and grating screeches from parents who have obviously decided that no known language or accent is good enough when it comes to calling there offspring to chips.
Normally we'd be out on bikes but the tickly cough is now a chest infection and I just don't have the energy. So after this - lunch. Maybe a junk food special at burger king. I know one that's got another play area. Then off to the park.
Oh yes! He'll sleep tonight.
Normally we'd be out on bikes but the tickly cough is now a chest infection and I just don't have the energy. So after this - lunch. Maybe a junk food special at burger king. I know one that's got another play area. Then off to the park.
Oh yes! He'll sleep tonight.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
I don't do New Year resolutions. Honest!
I'm not a great believer in New Year resolutions. Just asking for failure.
A work colleague summed it up for me when last year he was complaining about how he couldn't get into the gym because it was crowded with New Year resolutions. A few weeks later and enough had quit that he could get back in with out any problem.
Personally I knew I would start attending the gym last year but I actually waited till the end of January before I started. Perversely, this was my way of making sure it wasn't a New Year's resolution.
Guess what, it worked. Apart from the odd bout of the cold, I'm still going. I've lost virtually no weight but I am a damn site healthier. The pinnacle for me being the Glasgow to Edinburgh bike run. This year I had decided to do a few more bike runs later in the year but my brother in law has already found one in late March. So even if I wanted to take an extended holiday from the gym after the festive period, I no longer have the option. To be honest I quite like it this way. I'm working towards a target again.
Weight is the big challenge. It wasn't always but over the years I've become lazy in what I eat. On top of that oestrogen isn't known as a slimming aid and my body seems to be lapping it up. My T levels are now at the top of the range found in cis woman and that's without any anti-androgens. Another plus point to my mixed up endocrine system but a whole load of negative points in my resolve to lose weight.
Ultimately it's up to me. So despite my loathing of New Year resolutions, I think I might have to break my own rule and hopefully prove myself wrong.
A work colleague summed it up for me when last year he was complaining about how he couldn't get into the gym because it was crowded with New Year resolutions. A few weeks later and enough had quit that he could get back in with out any problem.
Personally I knew I would start attending the gym last year but I actually waited till the end of January before I started. Perversely, this was my way of making sure it wasn't a New Year's resolution.
Guess what, it worked. Apart from the odd bout of the cold, I'm still going. I've lost virtually no weight but I am a damn site healthier. The pinnacle for me being the Glasgow to Edinburgh bike run. This year I had decided to do a few more bike runs later in the year but my brother in law has already found one in late March. So even if I wanted to take an extended holiday from the gym after the festive period, I no longer have the option. To be honest I quite like it this way. I'm working towards a target again.
Weight is the big challenge. It wasn't always but over the years I've become lazy in what I eat. On top of that oestrogen isn't known as a slimming aid and my body seems to be lapping it up. My T levels are now at the top of the range found in cis woman and that's without any anti-androgens. Another plus point to my mixed up endocrine system but a whole load of negative points in my resolve to lose weight.
Ultimately it's up to me. So despite my loathing of New Year resolutions, I think I might have to break my own rule and hopefully prove myself wrong.
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