Out with your Mum?

When I was finally told that the doctors agreed and that I did have gender dysphoria and then started on hormones, I didn't think for one minute that life would suddenly be fantastic and everything would be great.

I expected life to pretty much go back to normal. I even expected myself to occasionally wonder if I'd done the right thing.

What I didn't expect was to have doubts about being female. Now this isn't me just having second thoughts. I've not even considered coming off of HRT. It was more a case of wondering what's so female about me...

... Now as you read you will see one blog. However there has been nearly a month since I started this post and this new sentence. (17/10/2010)

Quite frankly I forgot I had started this particular post. However, I feel that it's useful to complete it.

I did feel anything but feminine when I started this post. However, over the last few days I have started to notice a few things. For instance, when I'm washing my hands I'll look up and there is something in my reflection that I can only describe as feminine. I can't say what but it is there. I can only put it down to 5 months of hormones that are starting to take effect (remember that I have very low T-levels).

The daftest sign of me looking feminine, was when I was out with my wife and son. Not even trying. A friend of my wife asked if she was out with her Mother (i.e. me).

As insulted as I was (25 years age gap), when we both stopped laughing we realised just what it meant.

So, dear reader, in one post you have the self doubt to the budding realisation of what's possible.

x

Clues that it's not a fetish

Sometimes I wonder if, for me, the whole trans thing is just a big fetish and that I'm kidding myself on. But then there are daft little things that make me realise this is just too every day to be a fetish. For instance, I need new boots. Why? Simple. My old ones have worn out. And I don't mean a broken heal. I mean proper worn out, hole in the sole stuff.

I love those boots. I'll see if they can be re-soled but I doubt it.

Bike ride

Last weekend was the bike ride that I've been training for. Pedal for Scotland. 51 miles from Glasgow to Edinburgh. It was great fun and I'm so glad I did the training. Now, as I've said many times, I am not a light weight. I am very over weight and despite all the training, I haven't lost that much weight. However, I am delighted to say that I did the run in 4 hours 45 minutes, which was right in the middle of my target time; 4 and a half to 5 hours.

I have lost enough weight though to actually now fit into proper cycling gear. However, a crop top was used underneath my cycling shirt for comfort and to avoid a now very noticeable bouncing.

I'll be doing it again next year but a bit differently. Next year I will try to improve my time, I'll ride it on a road bike (about to be ordered) rather than a mountain bike, probably slimmer but needing a proper sports bra by then and lastly, after seeing the official photos, I'll smile more.

I might even be tempted to show people my picture then :-)

Settling Down

I'm now about 4 months on HRT. I've finished counselling and there's now 6 months between my appointments at the Sandyford.

So basically I'm settling into life, which I suppose has to happen. The rush of being prescribed hormones and being taken seriously can't last forever.

What is coming out of this is that I am happier. Mrs J and myself talked about this the other day. I asked what differences she sees in me and she replied that I seemed happier and I didn't get angry anywhere near as much. This reflects how I feel myself.

I think that's one of the reasons I wrote the previous post to this one. I'm getting back to the real me and stripping away the facade that I have presented for over 20 years.

Long day

Have you ever looked at a hole being dug in the road and there is one bloke digging and four watching? Well I've had a day a bit like that today.

Into a server room for 10am (Sunday!). There was a big systems update on servers to be done. Now I do databases and applications so the system level was being done by some other people. For the first 3 hours we all worked at our own things and it was fine. Then came the time to switch all the servers off, allowing one person access. For the next 4 hours I either paced the server room or watch a tiny laptop screen over someone else's shoulder, waiting for the servers to come back, letting me get on with my bit. The wonder of mobile phones, I'll admit that I did a fair bit of reading forums like Angels or catching up on blogs during this wait.

It really was the high tech version of 4 people watching 1 bloke dig.

I got my own back though. Once the servers came back, I spent the next 2 hours working on database and web servers while he waited around with nothing to do.

Anyway, finally finished at 11:30pm, although by that point I had actually come home and logged in remotely to finish the job off.

It's all in the bill - even the standing about.

Dads

"All I wanted was a kick-a-bout in the park,
For you to race me home when it was nearly getting dark."

Glasvegas - Daddy's Gone.

Personally, I think it's a great song and it keeps popping up on my play-lists.

These two lines in particular always get to me. So today, when my son turned up with a football he'd won at school and wanted to go out and play, I was only too happy to.

Now there's no chance of me being like the Dad in the song. I won't be going anywhere. But, because of transitioning, I am always conscious of maybe robbing a bit of my sons possible memories of his Dad. Because of this I promised myself and my wife that I will always be Dad to him. Whether or not it involves doing things that aren't the stereotypical trans thing to do. I'll still be his Dad.

Maybe what makes the lyrics hit home especially hard is that my own Dad left us when I was very young. I remember little bits about him but not much. We certainly never played football.

Years later, I was about 16 and attempting to come out to my Mum. In amongst all the things she threw at me to make sure I got back in the closet (it worked) was the fact that she had once walked in on my Dad and he was dressed in woman's clothes.

So that was something else she could blame my Dad for.

Acne and being transsexual. Thanks Dad.

I've actually managed to lose some weight!

Well after getting myself down about my weight recently, I weighed myself this morning and I have lost about 4lbs. Might not sound much but even though I have been exercising my weight hadn't budged for about a month.

I think it has helped that I have started a slightly different programme at the gym. This one is more geared up for the Glasgow to Edinburgh bike run I'm doing in September. It's about 51 miles and although the distance doesn't worry me too much, I still feel that it's sensible to prepare.

I think I had, to a certain extent, got used to the previous programme. Also, because of holidays etc I had missed a couple of visits recently and I think that all helped to slow down the weight loss.

I've increased the number of gym sessions from 2 to 3 times a week. On top of this, I'm just back from swimming this morning, which helped loosen up my leg muscles after last nights gym session.

Feeling a lot better but still a long way to go. Who knows, I might even publish my weight soon!