Two weeks off

I'm on holiday. Have been for a few days now.

Would love to say that I've had a chance to relax but I've spent the time catching up on web site work that I do for people other than my day job. Might even get paid :-)

I've got to admit to being a little bit jumpy and I've checked work emails more than a few times but I hope to have kicked the habit soon.

Typical though, first few days of a holiday and I catch a cold.

Anyway, tomorrow things start to get busy as Mrs J and myself get ready for a wee trip, during which we'll get our marraige blessed. Probably best since it's been over a decade since we actually got married and forgetting to tell the church is little short of tardy!

Inner Happiness

I had an appointment with the endocrinologist today. The third I think.

I left work a bit early as I knew there’d be parking problems at the hospital and as I drove along I realised that I was going by the area I stayed during my teens.

Normally, this is no big deal. I pass it by quite a bit. It is almost in the centre of Glasgow, so it’s hard to avoid. However, today, on my way to the endocrinologist, I passed a particular section of road and a memory came back from 30 years ago.

It was the first place that I ever wore women’s clothes and stepped outside the house as a woman.

Now I’d be about 14 or 15 years old and although I didn’t post any letters, if there’d been a post box on route then I might have! I can remember stepping out of the door, the air against my legs, walking in a skirt for the first time and the absolute fear that I’d be caught.

But I did it and I’d love to say that it continued on. However, a while after that I came out to my Mum. Her reaction was so bad that I hid everything away. I thought I had coped but I didn’t. I realise now that I was unhappy. I wasn’t me.
Going by in the car today, I could see that scared 14 year old girl, who the world was convinced was a boy. I could feel the fear but I could also feel the freedom that I felt – even if it were for just 15 minutes or so.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, dressed as any 45 year old woman who’d just left her work, I knew that I might not be fooling anyone, however I was happy. I was happy. Not a fantasy kind of happy. I felt a genuine inner happiness. It was something that has been growing for the last few months and at last I can start to understand it.

I’m not going to start talking about an inner calm. I’m not calm. I still feel angry about things. I don’t really suffer fools any more gladly now than I have for the last 20 years. But I do feel an inner happiness. I’m starting to be me. My life is starting to allow that. I chatted to my wife about it tonight and she told me she wouldn’t change things because she loved me and she could see that I was calmer and happier. I haven’t been so angry with the world.

I feel like I am a very lucky woman, and at last I can say that I am lucky and a woman.

Doing too much

I've been working some long hours over the last few months and I'm only starting to realise how much I've been neglecting things while I've been working. Work life balance is more work life in the balance as I've clocked up 60 and 70 hour weeks.

I've deliberately taken this weekend off, or should I say, I've made a conscious effort not to look at work this weekend.

But I've got used to working the hours and getting paid for it, for once.

During counselling I realised that I had spread myself too thinly (I know, me, thin LOL). Basically, I promised too much to too many people. The end result was no one got anything and I just ended up with anxiety attacks and stressed out. During that time I cut back a lot and started to live again and was able to be productive again.

Now, I don't know how but I have found myself in the position of having promised too much again.

Out with your Mum?

When I was finally told that the doctors agreed and that I did have gender dysphoria and then started on hormones, I didn't think for one minute that life would suddenly be fantastic and everything would be great.

I expected life to pretty much go back to normal. I even expected myself to occasionally wonder if I'd done the right thing.

What I didn't expect was to have doubts about being female. Now this isn't me just having second thoughts. I've not even considered coming off of HRT. It was more a case of wondering what's so female about me...

... Now as you read you will see one blog. However there has been nearly a month since I started this post and this new sentence. (17/10/2010)

Quite frankly I forgot I had started this particular post. However, I feel that it's useful to complete it.

I did feel anything but feminine when I started this post. However, over the last few days I have started to notice a few things. For instance, when I'm washing my hands I'll look up and there is something in my reflection that I can only describe as feminine. I can't say what but it is there. I can only put it down to 5 months of hormones that are starting to take effect (remember that I have very low T-levels).

The daftest sign of me looking feminine, was when I was out with my wife and son. Not even trying. A friend of my wife asked if she was out with her Mother (i.e. me).

As insulted as I was (25 years age gap), when we both stopped laughing we realised just what it meant.

So, dear reader, in one post you have the self doubt to the budding realisation of what's possible.

x

Clues that it's not a fetish

Sometimes I wonder if, for me, the whole trans thing is just a big fetish and that I'm kidding myself on. But then there are daft little things that make me realise this is just too every day to be a fetish. For instance, I need new boots. Why? Simple. My old ones have worn out. And I don't mean a broken heal. I mean proper worn out, hole in the sole stuff.

I love those boots. I'll see if they can be re-soled but I doubt it.

Bike ride

Last weekend was the bike ride that I've been training for. Pedal for Scotland. 51 miles from Glasgow to Edinburgh. It was great fun and I'm so glad I did the training. Now, as I've said many times, I am not a light weight. I am very over weight and despite all the training, I haven't lost that much weight. However, I am delighted to say that I did the run in 4 hours 45 minutes, which was right in the middle of my target time; 4 and a half to 5 hours.

I have lost enough weight though to actually now fit into proper cycling gear. However, a crop top was used underneath my cycling shirt for comfort and to avoid a now very noticeable bouncing.

I'll be doing it again next year but a bit differently. Next year I will try to improve my time, I'll ride it on a road bike (about to be ordered) rather than a mountain bike, probably slimmer but needing a proper sports bra by then and lastly, after seeing the official photos, I'll smile more.

I might even be tempted to show people my picture then :-)

Settling Down

I'm now about 4 months on HRT. I've finished counselling and there's now 6 months between my appointments at the Sandyford.

So basically I'm settling into life, which I suppose has to happen. The rush of being prescribed hormones and being taken seriously can't last forever.

What is coming out of this is that I am happier. Mrs J and myself talked about this the other day. I asked what differences she sees in me and she replied that I seemed happier and I didn't get angry anywhere near as much. This reflects how I feel myself.

I think that's one of the reasons I wrote the previous post to this one. I'm getting back to the real me and stripping away the facade that I have presented for over 20 years.