Manchester

We've been away for a few days in Manchester. Now it might not seem the first choice for a break in November but it was handy for family and child minding.

During the weekend we'd renewed our vows in front of family and a few close friends. This was really nice and we did it in a wee church, close to where Mrs J grew up in the Lancashire countryside. It was a great day and a great mix of guests.

After this we headed for Manchester for a few days by ourselves.

Now we've been to Manchester a few times but it's always been for something specific. If truth be told, mostly Club Lash or years ago we even had a stall at a fetish market. However, I've never actually been to the Village. So on this time we decided it was time to do the tourist thing and visit Canal Street.

We got into Manchester at about lunch time, Monday and once we got settled into our hotel we decided to find Canal Street. Now I didn't expect to find a party, after all it was a rainy, November day in Manchester. However, I've got to admit, when we got there it looked a bit on the wrong side of a let down.

Dirty pavements and stinking drains and all more than a bit drab. As I said though Monday, raining and November. None of this helps.

Back at our hotel and never ones to be put off by first impressions, I looked up a few places to visit. We wanted a meal and somewhere good for a relaxed drink.

Now, I know neither of the choices we went for are exactly ground breaking but as newbies to the area we were more than happy.

First of we went to Taurus for something to eat. It was great. Very friendly, good food and very reasonably priced. After Taurus we went for a short walk and stopped for a drink in Churchill's, which was, as they say, a bit of a punt. Now maybe we picked the wrong time but it was everything I don't want from a bar. Not exactly friendly and awaiting a different atmosphere, which would probably come later at night as the alcohol flowed.

We drank up quickly and headed back up the road to Velvet, another venue that I'd read good reports about.

I've got to say I wasn't disappointed. We went to the bar and it is lovely inside. Music at a nice level for talking, really comfy and again very friendly staff. we spent a bit of time in Velvet and then headed back to our own hotel for a final drink and bed.

We liked it so much that on our second night we just went to velvet and had a meal as well as staying for a drink. Well, it was especially wet and horrid outside that night!

Now, I'll admit to being nervous beforehand about the trip to Manchester. It was outside my comfort zone and certainly the first time I'd travelled and been any serious distance away from home, whilst presenting female. As I stepped out from the hotel door, into a very busy street, for a few seconds, it was as if it was one of the first times I'd ever worn women's clothes in public.

It was as if anonymity, rather than allowing me the ability to blend into the background had somehow made me stick out like a sore thumb.

However, 5 seconds of standing, waiting for the green man, made me realise that people were far more interested in getting home or going out for the evening. After that I was back to normal. I was more nervous of going into a restaurant I'd never been to after that.

Now I go through life thinking that everyone thinks I am a man but are just too polite to say anything. However, on this trip, the amount of times I got greeted with the word 'ladies' got me to thinking that I'm doing something right. Even on our last morning, when I was tired and had only pulled a pair of jeans and t-shirt on we still got greeted with 'ladies'.

At the end of this trip I am much more comfortable with myself. It was outside of my usual comfort zone. I dressed the way I normally do during the day and I was still, for the most part, greeted as a woman.

I am not the typical, svelte, slim person who I'd normally associate with that kind of reception but for some reason, whatever it is I'm doing seems to be working.

Most of all we had a great weekend. Renewing our vows was a special thing and a fantastic day. The trip to Manchester was a really nice break too, and we are planning a return trip next year.

Two weeks off

I'm on holiday. Have been for a few days now.

Would love to say that I've had a chance to relax but I've spent the time catching up on web site work that I do for people other than my day job. Might even get paid :-)

I've got to admit to being a little bit jumpy and I've checked work emails more than a few times but I hope to have kicked the habit soon.

Typical though, first few days of a holiday and I catch a cold.

Anyway, tomorrow things start to get busy as Mrs J and myself get ready for a wee trip, during which we'll get our marraige blessed. Probably best since it's been over a decade since we actually got married and forgetting to tell the church is little short of tardy!

Inner Happiness

I had an appointment with the endocrinologist today. The third I think.

I left work a bit early as I knew there’d be parking problems at the hospital and as I drove along I realised that I was going by the area I stayed during my teens.

Normally, this is no big deal. I pass it by quite a bit. It is almost in the centre of Glasgow, so it’s hard to avoid. However, today, on my way to the endocrinologist, I passed a particular section of road and a memory came back from 30 years ago.

It was the first place that I ever wore women’s clothes and stepped outside the house as a woman.

Now I’d be about 14 or 15 years old and although I didn’t post any letters, if there’d been a post box on route then I might have! I can remember stepping out of the door, the air against my legs, walking in a skirt for the first time and the absolute fear that I’d be caught.

But I did it and I’d love to say that it continued on. However, a while after that I came out to my Mum. Her reaction was so bad that I hid everything away. I thought I had coped but I didn’t. I realise now that I was unhappy. I wasn’t me.
Going by in the car today, I could see that scared 14 year old girl, who the world was convinced was a boy. I could feel the fear but I could also feel the freedom that I felt – even if it were for just 15 minutes or so.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, dressed as any 45 year old woman who’d just left her work, I knew that I might not be fooling anyone, however I was happy. I was happy. Not a fantasy kind of happy. I felt a genuine inner happiness. It was something that has been growing for the last few months and at last I can start to understand it.

I’m not going to start talking about an inner calm. I’m not calm. I still feel angry about things. I don’t really suffer fools any more gladly now than I have for the last 20 years. But I do feel an inner happiness. I’m starting to be me. My life is starting to allow that. I chatted to my wife about it tonight and she told me she wouldn’t change things because she loved me and she could see that I was calmer and happier. I haven’t been so angry with the world.

I feel like I am a very lucky woman, and at last I can say that I am lucky and a woman.

Doing too much

I've been working some long hours over the last few months and I'm only starting to realise how much I've been neglecting things while I've been working. Work life balance is more work life in the balance as I've clocked up 60 and 70 hour weeks.

I've deliberately taken this weekend off, or should I say, I've made a conscious effort not to look at work this weekend.

But I've got used to working the hours and getting paid for it, for once.

During counselling I realised that I had spread myself too thinly (I know, me, thin LOL). Basically, I promised too much to too many people. The end result was no one got anything and I just ended up with anxiety attacks and stressed out. During that time I cut back a lot and started to live again and was able to be productive again.

Now, I don't know how but I have found myself in the position of having promised too much again.

Out with your Mum?

When I was finally told that the doctors agreed and that I did have gender dysphoria and then started on hormones, I didn't think for one minute that life would suddenly be fantastic and everything would be great.

I expected life to pretty much go back to normal. I even expected myself to occasionally wonder if I'd done the right thing.

What I didn't expect was to have doubts about being female. Now this isn't me just having second thoughts. I've not even considered coming off of HRT. It was more a case of wondering what's so female about me...

... Now as you read you will see one blog. However there has been nearly a month since I started this post and this new sentence. (17/10/2010)

Quite frankly I forgot I had started this particular post. However, I feel that it's useful to complete it.

I did feel anything but feminine when I started this post. However, over the last few days I have started to notice a few things. For instance, when I'm washing my hands I'll look up and there is something in my reflection that I can only describe as feminine. I can't say what but it is there. I can only put it down to 5 months of hormones that are starting to take effect (remember that I have very low T-levels).

The daftest sign of me looking feminine, was when I was out with my wife and son. Not even trying. A friend of my wife asked if she was out with her Mother (i.e. me).

As insulted as I was (25 years age gap), when we both stopped laughing we realised just what it meant.

So, dear reader, in one post you have the self doubt to the budding realisation of what's possible.

x

Clues that it's not a fetish

Sometimes I wonder if, for me, the whole trans thing is just a big fetish and that I'm kidding myself on. But then there are daft little things that make me realise this is just too every day to be a fetish. For instance, I need new boots. Why? Simple. My old ones have worn out. And I don't mean a broken heal. I mean proper worn out, hole in the sole stuff.

I love those boots. I'll see if they can be re-soled but I doubt it.

Bike ride

Last weekend was the bike ride that I've been training for. Pedal for Scotland. 51 miles from Glasgow to Edinburgh. It was great fun and I'm so glad I did the training. Now, as I've said many times, I am not a light weight. I am very over weight and despite all the training, I haven't lost that much weight. However, I am delighted to say that I did the run in 4 hours 45 minutes, which was right in the middle of my target time; 4 and a half to 5 hours.

I have lost enough weight though to actually now fit into proper cycling gear. However, a crop top was used underneath my cycling shirt for comfort and to avoid a now very noticeable bouncing.

I'll be doing it again next year but a bit differently. Next year I will try to improve my time, I'll ride it on a road bike (about to be ordered) rather than a mountain bike, probably slimmer but needing a proper sports bra by then and lastly, after seeing the official photos, I'll smile more.

I might even be tempted to show people my picture then :-)