I feel that I have been somewhat negative in my last few posts. I'm definitely more anxious and depressed than I have been for a very long time. I have a head ache that no pills will shift and stomach ache that's almost doubling me up. I think I'm letting things get to me way too much.
So the oil burner is fired up, chill-out/meditation/reiki music is on and I'm trying a bit of self healing. Not too easy when my young son keeps running in and out of the room. Can't wait till bed time and a bit of peace.
Whatever you might think, it does seem to be helping relax me and my stomach is beginning to ease up.
I first did reiki about two years ago when I was really at one of the lowest points due to depression. Anxiety attacks almost left me unable to get out the house some days. Serious thoughts of ending it all where never far.
A friend, whose a therapist convinced me to try reiki. I found it quite relaxing to start with but it was only after about 3 or 4 sessions that I actually realised what it was really about. In that session I finally let go and felt a flood of energy running through me.
A few more sessions helped me to relax and start to get a focus on life once more. One of the really surprising things was when I saw a woman's face looking at me. She looked familiar and I realised it was me. This helped me realise that one of my problems was that I was hiding a massive part of myself, from myself.
Shortly after that I attended a reiki 1 workshop and this helped me even more as I learned self healing through it.
Recently, I've let things build up again and forgotten about reiki and self healing. Things aren't anywhere near as bad as they were two years ago but I think it's time to revisit reiki and hopefully help get a grip on things again and stop feeling so bad.
Saturday 26 February 2011
Friday 25 February 2011
Attitudes
Now I'm used to bumbling through life and occasionally someone confirming I'm doing the right thing by getting an 'excuse me ladies' or (my favourite) 'after you ladies', when I'm with my wife.
However, yesterday I experienced something a bit different. Nice but different. As I said in the previous post, I went to see the endocrinologist yesterday.
Things have changed for me since I first visited the clinic , about 9 months ago - this was my 5th visit. I noticed the changed from the second I was greeted at the reception. This wasn't familiarity, I don't think I've been there enough. especially over the time span. Anyway, at my age I can tell familiarity. This wasn't it.
It was subtle but there was a definite change to the way I was treated. I don't think I was treated quite as a woman, maybe as a transsexual, but definitely not as a man. What ever was meant, it was genuine and nice.
I have changed. I look physically different. Even though it's only been 9 months of HRT, I look different. I dress differently and I think I am starting to act differently.
I still feel as if I am at the start of my transition and I am still genuinely surprised when someone treats me as a woman. I think this is what makes those days when I get greeted as 'mate' all the worse.
However, yesterday I experienced something a bit different. Nice but different. As I said in the previous post, I went to see the endocrinologist yesterday.
Things have changed for me since I first visited the clinic , about 9 months ago - this was my 5th visit. I noticed the changed from the second I was greeted at the reception. This wasn't familiarity, I don't think I've been there enough. especially over the time span. Anyway, at my age I can tell familiarity. This wasn't it.
It was subtle but there was a definite change to the way I was treated. I don't think I was treated quite as a woman, maybe as a transsexual, but definitely not as a man. What ever was meant, it was genuine and nice.
I have changed. I look physically different. Even though it's only been 9 months of HRT, I look different. I dress differently and I think I am starting to act differently.
I still feel as if I am at the start of my transition and I am still genuinely surprised when someone treats me as a woman. I think this is what makes those days when I get greeted as 'mate' all the worse.
Hormone Update
I saw the endo yesterday. As I suspected the oestrogen dose was doubled. I took the extra as soon as I got home and this morning I feel a little bit better.
There were a few worries. Apparently my blood pressure has taken a bit of a spike. But that could have been the rubbish week I've had. The doctor isn't too worried as it is so different to my normal levels. He's asked for it to be monitored though.
Getting there.
There were a few worries. Apparently my blood pressure has taken a bit of a spike. But that could have been the rubbish week I've had. The doctor isn't too worried as it is so different to my normal levels. He's asked for it to be monitored though.
Getting there.
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Wrong life, hormone balance
You know the last few days have been really bad. I feel myself slipping back into depression. Mind you, it's possibly a good thing that I'm recognising it.
I'm off work, skint, loads to do and no energy to do it. I'm just about keeping to a diet but don't seem to be losing any weight - certainly not on target that's for sure.
I think there are a few things that have contributed to this malaise. Firstly, I think I've taken on too much again. It came out during counselling and I'm mentioned it elsewhere before. I seem to clear a bit of space in my life and then go promising people things. If I'm lucky I can get through it. If I feel the way that I do just now then the workload just makes me feel a whole lot worse.
I think a big contributory factor to the way I'm feeling are the 'mones. Or (as I suspect) the lack of them. When I changed from patches to pills about 6 weeks ago, for safety reasons, the Doctor gave me quite a small dosage to start with. I suspect that from where I had got to with patches that the pills should be of a higher dosage.
I've found myself snapping at people and it's even been noticed at work that I'm getting a bit ratty, way to easily.
My ability to cope with life just isn't the same as it was 2 months ago. The way I feel just now is very similar to the way I felt a year ago, before the HRT started. I look in the mirror and I see nothing feminine about myself. Not quite a docker in a dress, but getting there!
Thankfully, I see the endo tomorrow and hopefully he can help sort out the right dose.
I know that HRT isn't a cure all. It won't take away all the work, or suddenly make me look anymore femine (that takes a wee while). But it is amazing the effect that having the write balance of hormones can do for you. For me it takes away one of the biggest issues I have in life. Once this is done the rest are a lot easier to handle.
I'm off work, skint, loads to do and no energy to do it. I'm just about keeping to a diet but don't seem to be losing any weight - certainly not on target that's for sure.
I think there are a few things that have contributed to this malaise. Firstly, I think I've taken on too much again. It came out during counselling and I'm mentioned it elsewhere before. I seem to clear a bit of space in my life and then go promising people things. If I'm lucky I can get through it. If I feel the way that I do just now then the workload just makes me feel a whole lot worse.
I think a big contributory factor to the way I'm feeling are the 'mones. Or (as I suspect) the lack of them. When I changed from patches to pills about 6 weeks ago, for safety reasons, the Doctor gave me quite a small dosage to start with. I suspect that from where I had got to with patches that the pills should be of a higher dosage.
I've found myself snapping at people and it's even been noticed at work that I'm getting a bit ratty, way to easily.
My ability to cope with life just isn't the same as it was 2 months ago. The way I feel just now is very similar to the way I felt a year ago, before the HRT started. I look in the mirror and I see nothing feminine about myself. Not quite a docker in a dress, but getting there!
Thankfully, I see the endo tomorrow and hopefully he can help sort out the right dose.
I know that HRT isn't a cure all. It won't take away all the work, or suddenly make me look anymore femine (that takes a wee while). But it is amazing the effect that having the write balance of hormones can do for you. For me it takes away one of the biggest issues I have in life. Once this is done the rest are a lot easier to handle.
Sunday 20 February 2011
My Bike's the Wrong Shape
Weather and time have plotted against me and any chance of taking my new bike out for a proper run since I got it. This might be a problem.
In approximately 6 weeks time I'm going to take part in a 30 mile bike run. Today, I finally got a chance to ride my gleaming new bike. It is a beautiful bike. Certainly the most expensive one I've ever bought and described in cycling weekly as the best entry level sportive bike you can buy.
The problem though is me. I've ridden mountain bikes exclusively for nearly 15 years. Drop handle bars are an alien concept to me now, and as for changing gears with the break levers! I got down during a downhill and felt as though I was hanging off the front of the bike. I remember when this was fun. Now it felt more like acrobatics!
It's going to take a few more rides before I'm completely comfortable with the bike but it will be worth it. Once I settled on it (and got out of the head wind) it flew. It needs a few little things tweaked but these are very minor.
The tweaking I need is way more than minor! The main thing this ride proved was how unfit I am still. Back to the gym tonight and on to the bike again as soon as possible.
In approximately 6 weeks time I'm going to take part in a 30 mile bike run. Today, I finally got a chance to ride my gleaming new bike. It is a beautiful bike. Certainly the most expensive one I've ever bought and described in cycling weekly as the best entry level sportive bike you can buy.
The problem though is me. I've ridden mountain bikes exclusively for nearly 15 years. Drop handle bars are an alien concept to me now, and as for changing gears with the break levers! I got down during a downhill and felt as though I was hanging off the front of the bike. I remember when this was fun. Now it felt more like acrobatics!
It's going to take a few more rides before I'm completely comfortable with the bike but it will be worth it. Once I settled on it (and got out of the head wind) it flew. It needs a few little things tweaked but these are very minor.
The tweaking I need is way more than minor! The main thing this ride proved was how unfit I am still. Back to the gym tonight and on to the bike again as soon as possible.
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