It has indeed been a while since I last posted here.
How have things changed? Probably they have become more normal. There was a hiccup when a whole new slab of family appeared but the months have passed and life has returned to... normal.
I've now been on 'mones for 15 or 16 months (there's a bit of me deliberately not counting) and it has changed me. I don't so much think differently but I do process things a bit differently. My face has taken a definite change and my shoulders seem to be becoming smaller, more rounded. A few people have commented but I put a jacket on that was tight but now it fits me really well!
The biggest change is not gender related but I'm once again working with other people on music. I'm loving this. I'm no longer hiding from myself and the more relaxed about me I am the more I can relax and be me.
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
I think the strange feeling is happiness
It's a been a few weeks since I last posted here. Then I was starting to feel happier again. Now I'd say I am, for the most part, happy.
I recently met up with a very old and dear friend. How such good friends can drift apart for 12 years I have no idea but we did. To be back in touch is fantastic and has contributed enormously to my happiness. On top of that I've had two offers to collaborate on some new music, one of which I've already started working on.
Then out of the blue a family member contacted me the other day to meet up. This is from the side that I haven't met for 40 years. Of all my family on that side, she is the only one I've ever really thought about or missed. So although I am a bit nervous, I am looking forward to meeting her but without the trepidation that I had when I met my brother and nephew.
Then tonight we got another phone call from someone we'd lost touch with. A night has been arranged and we'll see them soon.
Don't think I'll have time to sit and mope for a while.
I recently met up with a very old and dear friend. How such good friends can drift apart for 12 years I have no idea but we did. To be back in touch is fantastic and has contributed enormously to my happiness. On top of that I've had two offers to collaborate on some new music, one of which I've already started working on.
Then out of the blue a family member contacted me the other day to meet up. This is from the side that I haven't met for 40 years. Of all my family on that side, she is the only one I've ever really thought about or missed. So although I am a bit nervous, I am looking forward to meeting her but without the trepidation that I had when I met my brother and nephew.
Then tonight we got another phone call from someone we'd lost touch with. A night has been arranged and we'll see them soon.
Don't think I'll have time to sit and mope for a while.
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
I've had worse days :-)
Funny how things change.
The last few weeks have seen me less than cheery. Then yesterday happened.
Tuesday morning I had an appointment for speech therapy first thing. Now things are going quite well when it comes to voice and Linda seems to be very pleased with how my voice is coming along. I've got to say that I'm quite pleased with it too. There are certain times when it seems to take off and is very natural. It seems that I can speak in quite a naturally feminine voice but it's a little bit soft. Recently a stronger, clearer voice is coming through but I still don't really control it yet.
I've actually found pitch and resonance very easy to do. Possibly years of singing and playing with daft voices has helped. But a natural intonation that reflects me has been harder to achieve. As always - practice.
At the end of the session I was feeling pretty positive (even got a compliment for how I was dressed) and off I set for work.
Once in the office I started to sift through the mornings emails. There were that many claiming to be urgent that I almost missed a small email saying that my regrading had been successful. It's taken nearly 6 months but at last it is through. Decent jump in salary and a massive light at the end of our financial tunnel.
Anyway, the day just cruised by after that but that wasn't all.
I headed home and as I was parking the car my phone went. It was an agency wondering if I'd be interested in job that had come up. It's the first call I've had in a couple of months and if they'd called on Monday I'd have been more than interested. But for once they were 6 hours too late.
It's a while since I've actually said thanks but no thanks to an agency but it felt good.
My line manager thought I was slightly mad when I told him about the agency. However, in the current economic climate it's good to still be in work. Getting a wage rise makes it a really good day.
On top of all that, today I heard that my wife has been nominated for an award at her work. She works really hard and deserves the recognition. Last time she did that we ended up with an all expenses paid trip to The Belfry.
After all the nonsense that's happened and how depressed I've felt over the last few weeks, it feels as if things have taken a little turning.
I don't mind the odd step back. As long as there have been two or three forwards first!
The last few weeks have seen me less than cheery. Then yesterday happened.
Tuesday morning I had an appointment for speech therapy first thing. Now things are going quite well when it comes to voice and Linda seems to be very pleased with how my voice is coming along. I've got to say that I'm quite pleased with it too. There are certain times when it seems to take off and is very natural. It seems that I can speak in quite a naturally feminine voice but it's a little bit soft. Recently a stronger, clearer voice is coming through but I still don't really control it yet.
I've actually found pitch and resonance very easy to do. Possibly years of singing and playing with daft voices has helped. But a natural intonation that reflects me has been harder to achieve. As always - practice.
At the end of the session I was feeling pretty positive (even got a compliment for how I was dressed) and off I set for work.
Once in the office I started to sift through the mornings emails. There were that many claiming to be urgent that I almost missed a small email saying that my regrading had been successful. It's taken nearly 6 months but at last it is through. Decent jump in salary and a massive light at the end of our financial tunnel.
Anyway, the day just cruised by after that but that wasn't all.
I headed home and as I was parking the car my phone went. It was an agency wondering if I'd be interested in job that had come up. It's the first call I've had in a couple of months and if they'd called on Monday I'd have been more than interested. But for once they were 6 hours too late.
It's a while since I've actually said thanks but no thanks to an agency but it felt good.
My line manager thought I was slightly mad when I told him about the agency. However, in the current economic climate it's good to still be in work. Getting a wage rise makes it a really good day.
On top of all that, today I heard that my wife has been nominated for an award at her work. She works really hard and deserves the recognition. Last time she did that we ended up with an all expenses paid trip to The Belfry.
After all the nonsense that's happened and how depressed I've felt over the last few weeks, it feels as if things have taken a little turning.
I don't mind the odd step back. As long as there have been two or three forwards first!
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Reiki revisited
I feel that I have been somewhat negative in my last few posts. I'm definitely more anxious and depressed than I have been for a very long time. I have a head ache that no pills will shift and stomach ache that's almost doubling me up. I think I'm letting things get to me way too much.
So the oil burner is fired up, chill-out/meditation/reiki music is on and I'm trying a bit of self healing. Not too easy when my young son keeps running in and out of the room. Can't wait till bed time and a bit of peace.
Whatever you might think, it does seem to be helping relax me and my stomach is beginning to ease up.
I first did reiki about two years ago when I was really at one of the lowest points due to depression. Anxiety attacks almost left me unable to get out the house some days. Serious thoughts of ending it all where never far.
A friend, whose a therapist convinced me to try reiki. I found it quite relaxing to start with but it was only after about 3 or 4 sessions that I actually realised what it was really about. In that session I finally let go and felt a flood of energy running through me.
A few more sessions helped me to relax and start to get a focus on life once more. One of the really surprising things was when I saw a woman's face looking at me. She looked familiar and I realised it was me. This helped me realise that one of my problems was that I was hiding a massive part of myself, from myself.
Shortly after that I attended a reiki 1 workshop and this helped me even more as I learned self healing through it.
Recently, I've let things build up again and forgotten about reiki and self healing. Things aren't anywhere near as bad as they were two years ago but I think it's time to revisit reiki and hopefully help get a grip on things again and stop feeling so bad.
So the oil burner is fired up, chill-out/meditation/reiki music is on and I'm trying a bit of self healing. Not too easy when my young son keeps running in and out of the room. Can't wait till bed time and a bit of peace.
Whatever you might think, it does seem to be helping relax me and my stomach is beginning to ease up.
I first did reiki about two years ago when I was really at one of the lowest points due to depression. Anxiety attacks almost left me unable to get out the house some days. Serious thoughts of ending it all where never far.
A friend, whose a therapist convinced me to try reiki. I found it quite relaxing to start with but it was only after about 3 or 4 sessions that I actually realised what it was really about. In that session I finally let go and felt a flood of energy running through me.
A few more sessions helped me to relax and start to get a focus on life once more. One of the really surprising things was when I saw a woman's face looking at me. She looked familiar and I realised it was me. This helped me realise that one of my problems was that I was hiding a massive part of myself, from myself.
Shortly after that I attended a reiki 1 workshop and this helped me even more as I learned self healing through it.
Recently, I've let things build up again and forgotten about reiki and self healing. Things aren't anywhere near as bad as they were two years ago but I think it's time to revisit reiki and hopefully help get a grip on things again and stop feeling so bad.
Friday, 25 February 2011
Attitudes
Now I'm used to bumbling through life and occasionally someone confirming I'm doing the right thing by getting an 'excuse me ladies' or (my favourite) 'after you ladies', when I'm with my wife.
However, yesterday I experienced something a bit different. Nice but different. As I said in the previous post, I went to see the endocrinologist yesterday.
Things have changed for me since I first visited the clinic , about 9 months ago - this was my 5th visit. I noticed the changed from the second I was greeted at the reception. This wasn't familiarity, I don't think I've been there enough. especially over the time span. Anyway, at my age I can tell familiarity. This wasn't it.
It was subtle but there was a definite change to the way I was treated. I don't think I was treated quite as a woman, maybe as a transsexual, but definitely not as a man. What ever was meant, it was genuine and nice.
I have changed. I look physically different. Even though it's only been 9 months of HRT, I look different. I dress differently and I think I am starting to act differently.
I still feel as if I am at the start of my transition and I am still genuinely surprised when someone treats me as a woman. I think this is what makes those days when I get greeted as 'mate' all the worse.
However, yesterday I experienced something a bit different. Nice but different. As I said in the previous post, I went to see the endocrinologist yesterday.
Things have changed for me since I first visited the clinic , about 9 months ago - this was my 5th visit. I noticed the changed from the second I was greeted at the reception. This wasn't familiarity, I don't think I've been there enough. especially over the time span. Anyway, at my age I can tell familiarity. This wasn't it.
It was subtle but there was a definite change to the way I was treated. I don't think I was treated quite as a woman, maybe as a transsexual, but definitely not as a man. What ever was meant, it was genuine and nice.
I have changed. I look physically different. Even though it's only been 9 months of HRT, I look different. I dress differently and I think I am starting to act differently.
I still feel as if I am at the start of my transition and I am still genuinely surprised when someone treats me as a woman. I think this is what makes those days when I get greeted as 'mate' all the worse.
Hormone Update
I saw the endo yesterday. As I suspected the oestrogen dose was doubled. I took the extra as soon as I got home and this morning I feel a little bit better.
There were a few worries. Apparently my blood pressure has taken a bit of a spike. But that could have been the rubbish week I've had. The doctor isn't too worried as it is so different to my normal levels. He's asked for it to be monitored though.
Getting there.
There were a few worries. Apparently my blood pressure has taken a bit of a spike. But that could have been the rubbish week I've had. The doctor isn't too worried as it is so different to my normal levels. He's asked for it to be monitored though.
Getting there.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Wrong life, hormone balance
You know the last few days have been really bad. I feel myself slipping back into depression. Mind you, it's possibly a good thing that I'm recognising it.
I'm off work, skint, loads to do and no energy to do it. I'm just about keeping to a diet but don't seem to be losing any weight - certainly not on target that's for sure.
I think there are a few things that have contributed to this malaise. Firstly, I think I've taken on too much again. It came out during counselling and I'm mentioned it elsewhere before. I seem to clear a bit of space in my life and then go promising people things. If I'm lucky I can get through it. If I feel the way that I do just now then the workload just makes me feel a whole lot worse.
I think a big contributory factor to the way I'm feeling are the 'mones. Or (as I suspect) the lack of them. When I changed from patches to pills about 6 weeks ago, for safety reasons, the Doctor gave me quite a small dosage to start with. I suspect that from where I had got to with patches that the pills should be of a higher dosage.
I've found myself snapping at people and it's even been noticed at work that I'm getting a bit ratty, way to easily.
My ability to cope with life just isn't the same as it was 2 months ago. The way I feel just now is very similar to the way I felt a year ago, before the HRT started. I look in the mirror and I see nothing feminine about myself. Not quite a docker in a dress, but getting there!
Thankfully, I see the endo tomorrow and hopefully he can help sort out the right dose.
I know that HRT isn't a cure all. It won't take away all the work, or suddenly make me look anymore femine (that takes a wee while). But it is amazing the effect that having the write balance of hormones can do for you. For me it takes away one of the biggest issues I have in life. Once this is done the rest are a lot easier to handle.
I'm off work, skint, loads to do and no energy to do it. I'm just about keeping to a diet but don't seem to be losing any weight - certainly not on target that's for sure.
I think there are a few things that have contributed to this malaise. Firstly, I think I've taken on too much again. It came out during counselling and I'm mentioned it elsewhere before. I seem to clear a bit of space in my life and then go promising people things. If I'm lucky I can get through it. If I feel the way that I do just now then the workload just makes me feel a whole lot worse.
I think a big contributory factor to the way I'm feeling are the 'mones. Or (as I suspect) the lack of them. When I changed from patches to pills about 6 weeks ago, for safety reasons, the Doctor gave me quite a small dosage to start with. I suspect that from where I had got to with patches that the pills should be of a higher dosage.
I've found myself snapping at people and it's even been noticed at work that I'm getting a bit ratty, way to easily.
My ability to cope with life just isn't the same as it was 2 months ago. The way I feel just now is very similar to the way I felt a year ago, before the HRT started. I look in the mirror and I see nothing feminine about myself. Not quite a docker in a dress, but getting there!
Thankfully, I see the endo tomorrow and hopefully he can help sort out the right dose.
I know that HRT isn't a cure all. It won't take away all the work, or suddenly make me look anymore femine (that takes a wee while). But it is amazing the effect that having the write balance of hormones can do for you. For me it takes away one of the biggest issues I have in life. Once this is done the rest are a lot easier to handle.
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