Two weeks off

I'm on holiday. Have been for a few days now.

Would love to say that I've had a chance to relax but I've spent the time catching up on web site work that I do for people other than my day job. Might even get paid :-)

I've got to admit to being a little bit jumpy and I've checked work emails more than a few times but I hope to have kicked the habit soon.

Typical though, first few days of a holiday and I catch a cold.

Anyway, tomorrow things start to get busy as Mrs J and myself get ready for a wee trip, during which we'll get our marraige blessed. Probably best since it's been over a decade since we actually got married and forgetting to tell the church is little short of tardy!

Inner Happiness

I had an appointment with the endocrinologist today. The third I think.

I left work a bit early as I knew there’d be parking problems at the hospital and as I drove along I realised that I was going by the area I stayed during my teens.

Normally, this is no big deal. I pass it by quite a bit. It is almost in the centre of Glasgow, so it’s hard to avoid. However, today, on my way to the endocrinologist, I passed a particular section of road and a memory came back from 30 years ago.

It was the first place that I ever wore women’s clothes and stepped outside the house as a woman.

Now I’d be about 14 or 15 years old and although I didn’t post any letters, if there’d been a post box on route then I might have! I can remember stepping out of the door, the air against my legs, walking in a skirt for the first time and the absolute fear that I’d be caught.

But I did it and I’d love to say that it continued on. However, a while after that I came out to my Mum. Her reaction was so bad that I hid everything away. I thought I had coped but I didn’t. I realise now that I was unhappy. I wasn’t me.
Going by in the car today, I could see that scared 14 year old girl, who the world was convinced was a boy. I could feel the fear but I could also feel the freedom that I felt – even if it were for just 15 minutes or so.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, dressed as any 45 year old woman who’d just left her work, I knew that I might not be fooling anyone, however I was happy. I was happy. Not a fantasy kind of happy. I felt a genuine inner happiness. It was something that has been growing for the last few months and at last I can start to understand it.

I’m not going to start talking about an inner calm. I’m not calm. I still feel angry about things. I don’t really suffer fools any more gladly now than I have for the last 20 years. But I do feel an inner happiness. I’m starting to be me. My life is starting to allow that. I chatted to my wife about it tonight and she told me she wouldn’t change things because she loved me and she could see that I was calmer and happier. I haven’t been so angry with the world.

I feel like I am a very lucky woman, and at last I can say that I am lucky and a woman.

Doing too much

I've been working some long hours over the last few months and I'm only starting to realise how much I've been neglecting things while I've been working. Work life balance is more work life in the balance as I've clocked up 60 and 70 hour weeks.

I've deliberately taken this weekend off, or should I say, I've made a conscious effort not to look at work this weekend.

But I've got used to working the hours and getting paid for it, for once.

During counselling I realised that I had spread myself too thinly (I know, me, thin LOL). Basically, I promised too much to too many people. The end result was no one got anything and I just ended up with anxiety attacks and stressed out. During that time I cut back a lot and started to live again and was able to be productive again.

Now, I don't know how but I have found myself in the position of having promised too much again.